[davenotdead]

no, i need to check that out asap.

[Sonic Youth 37]

Gotta love Dexter
"Science is one cold-hearted bitch with a fourteen inch strap-on."

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

"The mole is blind, yet burrows in a particular direction."

[atsonicpark]

THE MOLE IS AN ANIMAL THAT DIGS TUNNELS
UNDERGROUND SEARCHING FOR THE SUN.
SOMETIMES HIS JOURNEY LEADS HIM TO THE SURFACE.
WHEN HE LOOKS AT THE SUN, HE IS BLINDED.

[gmku]

Just finished loading my Penske moving truck. Haven't decided, though, if the LP boxes and stereo components go there or in my car.

Escape from South Carolina! One day and a wake up!! Woo hoo.

[Rob Instigator]

yay!

put the LP's in yr car damnit! temperature control!


this board will light up like a gay pride parade come the new album. wait and see..

[Derek]

well they disabled registration right?

[Rob Instigator]

i thought the disbling wass just a tem,porary thang?

[ALIEN ANAL]

yeh its very dead here now
i cant post because i cant afford the internet so i only get on the net on the weekends
and even then i cant be bothered joining in

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

 

[jimbrim]

awwww

 

[joe11121]

Hahaha, that is one adorable baby!

[Johnny "Magic Fingers"]

Here's a dumb joke I heard.....

Q. What kind of nurse do you require if you need to urinate?

A. A Pee-Nurse! (geddit? penis = pee-nurse)

Told yas it was dumb....

[Rob Instigator]

Originally Posted by Johnny "Magic Fingers"

Here's a dumb joke I heard.....

Q. What kind of nurse do you require if you need to urinate?

A. A Pee-Nurse! (geddit? penis = pee-nurse)

Told yas it was dumb....

winner winner chicken dinner

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

Q: What do you call a dinosaur prop comic?

A: Tri-Carrot Top!

 

(He's lookin' mighty freaky now-a-days)

[EVOLghost]

^ lol. What an A hole.

[floatingslowly]

Originally Posted by Dr. Eugene Felikson

(He's lookin' mighty freaky now-a-days)

actually, I don't see much of a difference between carot top and the nice young lady in yr avatar.

or for that matter, Blanka from Street Fighter...

 

[Rob Instigator]

completely irrlelevant

hulk hogan's daughter sluts it up while hulk watches

 

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

Originally Posted by floatingslowly

actually, I don't see much of a difference between carot top and the nice young lady in yr avatar.

There is a difference. The woman in my avatar is simply Divine.

[atsonicpark]

Why didn't Santa Claus give anything for Christmas to Osama Bin Laden last year?
Because he blew up the World Trade Center. No Sony Playstation 2 for you, Osama.

What do Osama Bin Laden and Chevy Chase have in common?
Neither one has released a new film in the last year.

What did the godfather of soul, the godfather of soul Gerald Ford have in common with disgraced vocalist James Brown and activist Saddam Hussein?
Well, all three men were very well hung.

Why did Angelina Jolie, sexual actress Angeline Jolie, and sensual actor Brad Pitt, choose to have their baby in a primitive medical facility in Namibia, a third-world hellhole?
Well, simply to have a scapegoat when the baby was born retarded... Did you get that on film asshole, huh? Sick creeps.

Why did Vice-President Dick Cheney shoot Texas attorney Harry Whittington.
Well, it was in retaliation for the Biggie Smalls murder... Hey they loved that joke in Dubai, I'm telling you.

Why did Julia Roberts rub shit on her vagina?
Because she was horny. Hey, don't blame me. I stole that joke from Kris Kristofferson.

What did Santa Claus give Paris Hilton for Christmas?
Well, he raped her.

Why did Robert Redford stick his cock in a jar of Paul Newman's spaghetti sauce?
Lots of spaghetti sauce fans in the crowd tonight. Good to see. Sauce enthusiast. For those... to repeat... for those whose ears are encrusted with venereal disease: Why did Paul Newman, no Robert Redford right, stick his cock in a jar of Paul Newman's spaghetti sauce?
Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years, do you think he's gonna stick his cock in a competitor's product?

Why did God send Terri Schiavo to hell?
For the sin of sloth.

Why did God create herpes?
So Robin Williams could give something to his female fans that they couldn't just turn around and sell on eBay.

Did you guys hear the one about the paparazzi with the heart of gold?
He stole it from Princess Diana as she lay dying in her car.

Why did the United States government hire a former hotdog vendor to pull the switch that executed Timothy McVeigh?
Well, they thought he might relish the job.

Did you read that Timothy McVeigh killed a million more people the night before he was executed, huh? Yeah. He ejaculated onto the floor of his cell... [When no one laughs:] Could this be a generation gap.

All right, for his final meal, why did Timothy McVeigh request a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, a can of Pringles potato chips, a Nestle chocolate bar, and a Mountain Dew?
Because he had endorsement deals with all those companies... Sorry about that one.

Why did God create the Paris Hilton sex video tape?
Well, so that the mentally retarded would have something to masturbate to.

Hey is it just me, is it just me, or is George Bush the worst president in the history of the United States, huh. Am I right? Which makes it all the harder to understand why his son, George W, is the best president we've had in the United States.

[Alternative version: But these are difficult times, and it helps to have a sense of humour, doesn't it, ladies and gentlemen, with some of the things we've been going through in this country. I gotta tell you, I'm sure a few of you will agree, George Bush is the worst president this country has ever had, huh? Which is why it's so hard for me to understand why his son, George W Bush, has turned out to be the best president this country's ever had.]

But I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly thank the people of Italy for their help with the war effort. As you may have read in the newspaper today, the Italians were involved, they sent over Pavarotti into Iraq to eat all the Iraqis' spaghetti in an attempt to demoralize them... [When people groan:] Hey, come on, I have cancer.

Well I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Phoenix Greyhound Park for hosting this annual event, because this is a great annual event, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen. It's just like Woodstock '99, but without all the rapes. And this is being filmed tonight for a DVD, although we will be editing that line from the broadcast. Been saddled with some substandard material here tonight, sorry about that.

Musicians

Hey what do you call it folks, friends, what do you call it when decrepit old dogs regurgitate garbage just before dying -- what's the medical term for that?
The Rolling Stones in concert.

Why did Metallica cut their hair?
Their hairdresser said it was the only way to get all that matted cum out of it.

Why did God give Smashmouth three top ten singles?
Well, it was a clerical error -- he meant to give them all AIDS.

Why did the farmer start a punk rock band?
Well because he was tired of Haulin' Oats.

Why did Sir Mick Jagger shove a carrot up his daughter's ass?
He mistook her for a fan.

What do you get when you cross Elton John with a sabretooth tiger?
I don't know, but you'd better keep it away from your ass.

But you know the thing with this war that really confused me was why the United Kingdom was involved at all. I don't think we needed those guys -- do you? I mean, their military is in terrible shape. Look who they've got. They've got Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Elton John, Sir Mick Jagger, I mean these are hardly the knights of the round table... Okay. Well, moving right along.

Why did Jim Morrison, the dynamic lead singer of The Doors, die in a bathtub?
Well, he overexerted himself trying to clean the grime off of his balls.

Why did God give Motley Crue such abnormally large penises?
So that they'd be better equipped at dealing with the pain of life.

Why does Britney Spears sell so many millions of albums?
Because the public is horny and depressed.

How about Britney Spears' tits. Why didn't we just drop those on Iraq, huh. Talk about your biological warfare. I guess in her case it could more accurately be termed chemical warfare.

What do you call the creatures who are growing in the pile of potato chip wrappers and discarded g-strings behind Britney Spears' house?
Her children.

Why did Kevin Federline spray Britney Spears' caesarean section with Lysol disinfectant?
So it would be safe for fucking.

What do you call a senior citizen who can't refrain from exposing their genitalia in public?
Madonna.

Why did Madonna feed her infant baby Alpo dog food?
Well, she had no choice. That's just what came out of her breasts... These drug addicts like it, huh, why can't the rest of you.

Reach into my bag of tricks here, or more accurately my bag of shit. Why did Madonna wear a hat on the cover of her last two albums?
To try and cover up her bald spot.

What does British filmmaker Guy Richie have in common with Cheetos?
They both come in a plastic bag.

Times are tough for Michael Jackson. Over at Neverland, he recently had to shut down the juvenile VD clinic.

Why did Michael Jackson turn down $10,000,000 to advertise for McDonalds?
Because he doesn't find obese children at all sexually appealing.

Why did Michael Jackson dangle his infant son over the balcony of his hotel room?
He was punishing him for refusing to finish his plate of sperm.

Why did Michael Jackson put chocolate sauce on his hot dog?
So his children would eat it.

In keeping with the tradition he's had with his past albums of titling them after his various personality traits -- you know -- "bad", "dangerous", "off the wall" -- he's titling the first of these two new albums, to be released in July -- he's titling this first album "gay", and that'll be followed up in November with the second album, you know, "mentally ill".

What do you call five fingers that are grasping a small boy's penis?
The Jackson Five.

How many Red Hot Chilli Peppers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well it depends on how recently they've shot up... [When no one laughs:] Well, we've got a few junkies here tonight, huh. Call the police, you people make me gag. Clean up your act, you're a disgrace to this clean city.

Did you guys hear, this was in the news, did you hear that Anthony Kiedis, the Grammy Award-winning composer of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, finally joined the mile high club.
Yeah, he raped a woman in Denver.

Did you guys know that the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are the United States' foremost supporters of the mentally disabled.
That's right. For the past 20 years, without any public fanfare, at their own expense, they have been hiring these poor souls, the mentally disabled, hiring them to design their tattoos.

What is the only thing worse than a new album by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers?
9/11.

Why did the Red Hot Chilli Peppers cross the road?
Well because they were running away from the rehab clinic.

Why are the Red Hot Chilli Peppers' veins in danger of collapsing?
Well because the band has had so many hits.

What do the Red Hot Chilli Peppers have in common with George W Bush?
Well both of them like to shoot up everything in sight.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Harriet Taubman?
Well of course the great Harriet Taubman was a heroine to the slaves, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are slaves to the heroin.

Why did the Red Hot Chilli Peppers go under the bridge?
Because there was a plate of shit there they wanted to jack off into.

What do you get when you cross the Red Hot Chilli Peppers with an octopus?
[Something] with eight arms to shoot up into.