[schizophrenicroom]

my mom has three sisters, and i'm the only niece. it was cool when i was younger but not so much now.

[This Is Not Here]

Originally Posted by MellySingsDoom

My parents were and are fine re the drinking and smoking. My mum thought that smoking draw would lead me to doing smack Endless "discussions"/arguments didn't change her mind, alas...

I get this, but my mother does accept that I smoke, and when she comes out into the garden whilst I'm having a ciggy-fag shes looks at me with a quiet sense of sadness, as if smoking is one stop off being a hard drug addict.

The sad thing is, shes kinda right, I'm no drug addict, but certainly a heavy user. I'm getting a little worried about it now. I'm currently embarking on a month of heavy drug usage at weekends, this saturday night gone at a club I took 0.7 gram of amphetamine, and 2 Es. This coming weekend I beleive will entail MDMA and 2-cp. The weekend after that is another night at the club Slimelight, so I could well take what I did a couple of days ago again. The weekend after that is a festival, so whatever we find, but only MDMA is certain. I dunno what to make of this really, I've been taking hard drugs for about a year now, but never lots of weeks in succession like this, so I don't know whether to be worried or just enjoy my holidays...

[alteredcourse]

The amount of time you spend on drugs is certainly not questionable . The concern might be that if you are only surrounding yourself around certain people to socialize to do certain activities , will you start to wonder if you cant socially funtion AT ALLLLLLL unless youre high ? You would get used to the routine and freak out at anything different . From there , you might start to leak that burden into other social life aspects , such as social interaction with family and work and all.....why not take the pressure off the way you do on weekends ?? You dont have to of course, and i hate to sound like a generalized advert , but thats where the line can begin to blur .

[Cantankerous]

Originally Posted by This Is Not Here

I get this, but my mother does accept that I smoke, and when she comes out into the garden whilst I'm having a ciggy-fag shes looks at me with a quiet sense of sadness, as if smoking is one stop off being a hard drug addict.

The sad thing is, shes kinda right, I'm no drug addict, but certainly a heavy user. I'm getting a little worried about it now. I'm currently embarking on a month of heavy drug usage at weekends, this saturday night gone at a club I took 0.7 gram of amphetamine, and 2 Es. This coming weekend I beleive will entail MDMA and 2-cp. The weekend after that is another night at the club Slimelight, so I could well take what I did a couple of days ago again. The weekend after that is a festival, so whatever we find, but only MDMA is certain. I dunno what to make of this really, I've been taking hard drugs for about a year now, but never lots of weeks in succession like this, so I don't know whether to be worried or just enjoy my holidays...

attention: you are not bobby gillespie and it is not 1988.

[This Is Not Here]

Originally Posted by alteredcourse

The amount of time you spend on drugs is certainly not questionable . The concern might be that if you are only surrounding yourself around certain people to socialize to do certain activities , will you start to wonder if you cant socially funtion AT ALLLLLLL unless youre high ? You would get used to the routine and freak out at anything different . From there , you might start to leak that burden into other social life aspects , such as social interaction with family and work and all.....why not take the pressure off the way you do on weekends ?? You dont have to of course, and i hate to sound like a generalized advert , but thats where the line can begin to blur .

You've actually hit it right on the head there. My main worry is that I will become socially dependant on drugs, I mean, I can socially function, meet people etc whilst sober- but I am so much 'better' at it whilst on drugs or mildly drunk. Its a real fucking worry for me, I'm going to Uni in a month, so I guess there I will have to meet people and socialise stone cold sober. I'm going to find it very testing. Often whilst sober, but not always, I feel awkward, boring and just plain unhappy. Drugs are a comfort and they eleviate these feelings albeit briefly, however I do not yet feel I am dependent on any substance socially.

[This Is Not Here]

Originally Posted by Cantankerous

attention: you are not bobby gillespie and it is not 1988.

Ha ha! Oh, how I love than man. I do however worry I'm going to end up like him in 30 years. I mean, I saw a recent interview with him and he seems on death's door, he sounded like he'd smoked his lungs into submission and looked like a crack addict does, gaunt and thin.

[Cantankerous]

he's always looked strung out!

[This Is Not Here]

This is true, but he's always kind of looked like he could just keep on forever - kind of like a zombie. Except this time, he looked quite the opposite.

[alteredcourse]

Originally Posted by This Is Not Here

My main worry is that I will become socially dependant on drugs,

Do you only call your best friends when you are ready to go out and find drugs , will you only accept public invitations with the promise of drugs ?

[This Is Not Here]

Originally Posted by alteredcourse

will you only accept public invitations with the promise of drugs ?

No, nothing like that, I mean I will always accept the invitation if drugs are offered, but its not a requirement of me going. Essentially its not an issue of 'hanging around with the wrong people' because more or less everyone I know does drugs, I have a relatively small group of close freinds, and they're who I take them with when I do 'em. I never feel pressured into it and all of that shit, they're cool if I don't want to do it. But I do, and thats the problem really.

[shentov]

Originally Posted by alteredcourse

Do you only call your best friends when you are ready to go out and find drugs , will you only accept public invitations with the promise of drugs ?

yeah, mostly, only difference is i call people when i already loaded myself with DOC. i had a prettly lonesome habit, and i think it's kind of good (if there's sth good at all in it). i have only two friends who happened to develop a habit like me. no, wait. i developed bigger habit, started IVing, pawned more shit, etc) but my pals are going down and i can see it. ah, and the one of them (who actually introduced me to my first connection for brown) got his gf into the pit. there is one girl who eventually got HIM to the connection, but i got no real relationships with her.
they (psychiatrists, parents, i-net forums) say i got to stay off my druggie friends. probably very right.

[alteredcourse]

TINH Alright, then given very forgiving and accepting social ties , do you think you are afraid of.....liking the drugs too much ? Of going somewhere you wouldnt want to put them , somewhere you dont think they would go ?
Is there a space there reserved for genuine curiosity - could you allow yourself to explore these times and push your peronal boundaries ?
Or is this a way to avoid aggravating social development ?

shentov - you have a lonesome habit , except for some friends , yours is bigger but they are going down ?

[Cantankerous]

it's interesting comparing situations with other people because how any particular drug affects one person to the next can vary so widely

like me, i don't have a job or a kid to take care of or rent to pay or any really serious responsibilities to worry about so i could be strung out like it was a full time job with no really heavy repercussions other than making a bit of a dent in my bank account...i don't know how anyone with a responsibility to anything, much less multiple responsibilities on a daily basis, can manage to be a drug addict. that takes some skill.

Originally Posted by alteredcourse

TINH Alright, then given very forgiving and accepting social ties , do you think you are afraid of.....liking the drugs too much ? Of going somewhere you wouldnt want to put them , somewhere you dont think they would go ?
Is there a space there reserved for genuine curiosity - could you allow yourself to explore these times and push your peronal boundaries ?
Or is this a way to avoid aggravating social development ?

shentov - you have a lonesome habit , except for some friends , yours is bigger but they are going down ?

i'm honestly not afraid of anything like that. the worst that could happen is that i could OD and die, and i'm not afraid of dying and if i die tomorrow, so be it. i'm trying to enjoy life, not live in fear of death and what may or may not come after.

[This Is Not Here]

Well, I already like the drugs too much. I'm not quite sure what you mean by that second question there. And alot of it does have to do with curiosity yes, thats why I, and indeed most people, started off taking drugs, and its why I will continue to explore substaces I've not yet tried. And the answer to the last question is most assuredly 'yes'.

[alteredcourse]

That is how getting into drugs can be a "new " experience after you leave your teens . I felt like when I was a teenager, doing drugs didnt even count becuase most of the time I didnt have a full comprehension of the real effects, no matter how many stories and what sort of immediate hangovers I would have . There is something different between a 15 year old taking a quad of acid and a 25 year old taking a quad of acid , and when I was 15 I wouldnt have predicted the same results .

[alteredcourse]

That you can keep an eager curious eye open while biting your lip a bit suggests to me that at this stage you would really be hand-picking a life of dependency for yourself . You know , its easy to slough off all your social inadequecies onto alcohol/substance abuse . It's acceptable to . Please , at your rate in the game , dont go there . Because getting there is like sticking your fingers in one of those chinese finger traps , it just sort of happens and you dont notice it , and then getting out is just ..............So if you can at least notice that there might be trouble , take advantage of that , and try to tap into why you are having so much difficulty socially , and try to transform it .

But everyone makes their own life . And if you go on and become an addict for the next 10 years it will mean that you had to find out for your very self what it is I was saying , and other bastards have said , in your own terms . And that is all fine . Its just that crazy way that people can be .

[Cantankerous]

you know what?
i'm actually contemplating seriously about purposefully getting strung out again. purely because it acts as a wall, or a barrier, and i'm done dealing with other people's bullshit and honestly i just want to lay in bed and get high all day.

[alteredcourse]

Here , here .
What kind of satisfying would that be .

[MellySingsDoom]

Originally Posted by Cantankerous

you know what?
i'm actually contemplating seriously about purposefully getting strung out again. purely because it acts as a wall, or a barrier, and i'm done dealing with other people's bullshit and honestly i just want to lay in bed and get high all day.

Oh Cantankers, please don't do that. Please.

[alteredcourse]

Cantankerous , you just changed your sig to one of those most frantic Damned songs to exist .

I wonder how you take my post - I meant it somewhat as a question . I didnt want to have to explain myself (figure that i woulnt be asked though anyways , ) but in just as silly it is to wish aloud a desire to lay in bed getting high , it is just as worthy a question to wonder how fulfilling it would be ? You think endlessly ? But there are so many ways to fulfill a life .

The escape of life might seem most fulfilling at first , as if by reflex to pressure , esp to our impulse-fulfilled-driven culture/blood , but it the easiest way .
You KNOW from experience that the easiest way never amounts to the most fulfilling .