[!@#$%!]

just came back from outside oozing endorphins and i gotta put some work in this morning, but i’ll compose something through the day.

there’s a lot to unravel that can’t be reduced to a single issue. but o man, newports... i miss cigarettes ha ha ha. once a catholic always a catholic!

thinking about your issues though. ok! bbl...

[Severian]

Originally Posted by !@#$%!

just came back from outside oozing endorphins and i gotta put some work in this morning, but i’ll compose something through the day.

there’s a lot to unravel that can’t be reduced to a single issue. but o man, newports... i miss cigarettes ha ha ha. once a catholic always a catholic!

thinking about your issues though. ok! bbl...

You and I have a lot in common.

*Thinks of Newports in briefcase, tempted; knows no cigs are allowed until bed time; prays kinda*

[!@#$%!]

i liked camels best. that funky turkish smell! yeah...

but really really my favorites used to be gitanes. the delicious scent of bat guano. lol it's the nitrogen. black tobacco rolled for french tastes. holy shit they were insane tasty. unfiltered! fucked you up good.

anyway i'm chewing gum at this moment.

[!@#$%!]

SO, eugene (careful with that axe), was thinking about your multiple problems and how one thing after another after another and i realized

the girl confidence thing is not important. you will deal with that eventually. i mean, it's almost a... cosmetic issue.

i think the big thing that fucked you up hard is your mom's condition.

you quit your job as a consequence of that.

my guess you probably lost the girl as a consequence of the unemployment.

but the real issue is your mom's health. how is she and how are you coping? do you live in the same house?

i know america is all about "productivity" and "working hard" and shit like that. i'm not a big believer in hard work as a value in itself. working hard for what you value, yes. for the sake of it and above all? makes no sense. workaholism is a psychological problem.

so, not sure what's going on and i don't wanna pry. but i understand you stopped working to take care of her? or is somebody? i don't know.

look. i'm not gonna compare a mother to a cat. i still have my parents (knock on wood), my grandparents died far away from me, but when our old cat died, fuck, it was the closest thing to a baby that we had, my wife especially, it was fucking terrible. TERRIBLE. and i was glad one of us could be with him at all times because he needed constant care in his old age. he eventually went in the summer (not this one, 2 years ago), with both of us at home, etc. which was good and right. would have hated to be away. we didn't euthanize. he had the will to live all the way to the end. it fucked us up! we could do nothing for a while except lie there.

SO while i can't comprehend what you're going through, my minor experience with a death in the family (yes it was) lets me see that sometimes life needs to be put on hold while dealing with things like that. and that's okay. maybe you could have taken family leave instead of quitting your job. o well. mistakes happen. you're young. you can start again.

anyway i don't know the state of things but #1 i'd suggest is look maybe for grief counseling? because that's the core of what's fucking you up i think. you need to deal with the reality of pain and loss. it's fucking brutal. i know mine, i can't imagine yours.

that, and the fact that winter is a fucking horrible season that really doubles down on depression unless you ski or something (i have to go out for hikes. being cooped up kills me)

ok. don't know how to proceed next here. just wanted to advance the notion that you maybe wanna deal with your big problems first, and then the little ones will solve easier instead of distracting and overwhelming you.

[Severian]

Originally Posted by Dr. Eugene Felikson

I actually recently did quit my job. I was swapping needle bins at a hospital, and pulling about 30k a year doing it, but the banality and general grossness of the job eventually got to me. Also, my mom's dying and I couldn't handle being surrounded by sick people 24/7. It really ate me up inside. I'm empathetic as all get out.

Thought I could go back to school. Realized I was too stressed/depressed to focus on anything. Just stopped going like an idiot.

Wow, man.

Jesus.

You know, forget everything I’ve said because frankly, if my mother was terminally ill, there would likely be no Severian on this forum, and no way to coax a smile out of me in the day-to-day. You’re making more of an effort than I’d be able to make is what I’m saying. I’ve seen so much death... friends (several close, personal friends), family, my grandmother, who essentially acted as my second parent while growing up because my dad was an absentee manic depressive workaholic alcoholic.
My grandmother was sick from the time I was 5 years old until she passed in a Hpspice facility when I was 30. It ruined me. It was several years ago now, but it made my entire life a slog. Probably factored into my many bad decisions since.
Anyway, this isn’t about me. My mom is in her late-60s, and I know nobody lasts forever, but I still can’t even fathom not having her. If your mother is dying, I genuinely wish you only the best things in life, and I wish happiness and contentment for you and for her.

There’s probably nothing I can do or say to help, but if you ever need anything, pm me.

Earlier this year, I was all about exercise. I'll probably get back into it. Been smoking Newports again for a while now. Between my mom's deteriorating health, a broken heart, and the loss of another friend. I've been a bit off the wagon lately.

But yeah, exercise and a healthy diet was doing wonders for me. I'm just struggling to find the motivation. The hardest part is just getting to the gym. My lungs sucking ass rn ain't helpin. Time to stop buying cigs.

And yes - to answer your earlier question - I still make videos. Some of the stuff I was making earlier this year was bonkers. I think it was v. pro, Youtube-worthy tbh. Recently made a video of myself eating my own vomit and posted it on Facebook... just ask EVOLghost. Clearly not a sign of my strongest best mental health - shock humor/art excuse or not. The other stuff was great though.

Playing guitar too. Just started. Bought a 7 string. I have trouble focusing. Idk.

I appreciate the support everyone. Don''t like making things all about me. I'm glad this place still exists. Like a nice getaway from the rest of the world tbh. Same as it ever was.

So, please get thee to a trusted therapist. Please.

[!@#$%!]

Originally Posted by Severian

So, please get thee to a trusted therapist. Please.

yes. but if that is not accessible/affordable there are also support groups, usually run by therapists or some other form of expert, which are cheaper or even free.

google grief support group + your location and see what turns up.

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

My mom's death isn't as immediate as it likely sounds. Her condition was rendered terminal earlier this year though. She has bad kidneys, and although I offered to donate my own - she refused surgery and dialysis (not sure if I mentioned this in my previous post). I don't live with her, but have a house of my own less than 5 miles away.

See, my mom is Schizophrenic/Bi-polar. Ever since I was a kid, it's more been me taking care of her than the other way around. I don't have any siblings or anything, so my mom sorta took that 'little sister' role. My dad was always working or sleeping and I more or less raised myself. I don't blame her for that, as it's not her fault. It was her medicine, specifically the Lithium which has goofed her up internally. It's also why I refuse to take medicine for whatever mental ailments I may have inherited from her. It's why I make 'art' instead.

My parents recently got divorced, and my dad has more or less abandoned her when she's needed him most. I could kill him, honestly, if I weren't a wiser man. But he still does the bare essentials... and lives with her when he's not sleeping around. Idk man, fuck him.

...

See when I found all this out earlier this year was when I was in the middle of my health kick. I was 'alpha'-ing the fuck out and randomly attracted the attention of the biggest crush I've ever had. Been interested in this girl for a while. She's one of those 'manic pixie dream girls' you always hear about. Very earth loving, into psychedelics, philosophy, and so, so kind. Just beautiful straight up, and very social as a result.

We hung out more than a few times, and I never made a move, despite obvious signs of interest. Mostly due to my insecurities, and also not really feeling the right time. She knew I was into her, but I think she just wanted me to 'man up' and make a move. She couldn't have been more all over my FB posts with likes and whatnot

Anywho a little before Halloween I offered to fix her PC. She wasn't home once I set up a boot drive for her, and was ready to head over. Said she had gone 'a little crazy', took off but would be back later, and apologized. I sarcastically said something along the lines of 'it's okay, you've always been the worst'.... stupidly not acknowledging how poorly sarcasm translates through text. We traded banter, me thinking she was joking, her thinking I was serious until I made a Leatherface-themed joke (Halloween-time) about skinning her alive. She didn't like that and accused me of advocating violence against women and telling me I was domineering towards her. I was taken aback so badly by this, and replied with a HUGE text (seriously like 3 page word document) detailing how nervous she made me, etc. No response. We still remain facebook friends, and it's been like a month now... but I don't have the balls to awkwardly hit her up again. Just giving her space. I wouldn't know how to akwaradly break ice after that anyway apart from "do you still hate me?" It's all so goofy. Creepishly long texts are never the right answer.

...

What I'm realizing though is that my mom is dying (slowly but surely) and what I want so badly is a woman in my life to kinda care for me, look out for me, in a way that nobody ever really has - y'know? I could use that. I can only figure out so much on my own. Currently live alone. It was unfair of me to lay all that on her when I'm too much of a pussy to even try for a kiss (but what if I offend her?! I thought) Oh well, man. Oh well.

As fucked up as it is, I'm more concerned about this girl than I am my mom, I think. Or maybe they both sorta occupy the same center of my brain. Who knows.

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

But seriously guys, I'm holding up better than it probably reads as. Just filling y'all in on the details. This is sorta why I deleted my initial post. A lot of this is old hat to me at this point. Schizophrenia is taking me home, and all. In my family, brave men run.

[!@#$%!]

i go back between laughter and sadness. probably a sign that you're taking your tough situation with humor. which is good.

leatherface lololol. uff yeah a series of bad moves. but don't worry. one learns.

lithium i tried once, sat all day listening to the radio, called the shrink told him i had a life to live and could not sit all day by the fucking radio. i did this reasonably, but way too calm. i... yeah i am sorry man. i understand your rage.

anyway i'm sorry it's all come to this. the divorce too, another loss. yeah. one fucking thing after another. i'm glad you can laugh in the face of all this. it's a good sign.

anyway understand the problem with the girl but i'd say still you gotta deal with your family issues first. yeah. i sympathize with the urge to deny & run away into the bosom of a hottie but press pause for a moment.

your family is where you were made, where you learned to relate, and there are things there you will have to address sooner or later. better sooner, no? i mean. why live in pain when you can find a modicum of liberation by working through your family problems? seriously. if you work on your family issues your relationships will improve. I PROMISE.

ok.

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

Right on man. It's just that for me there's really nothing I can do. I visit my mom when I can, but what else is there? That I can't change. My romantic interest being upset with me, I possibly can.

Not like I'd ever put some chick over my mom, didn't mean to make it sound like that.

But yeah thanks for just listening to me. Just talking about these things instead of letting them whirr around in my head does a world of good. I've been revealing a lot of this to friends also, and the deeper it goes, the more it's like "oh my god Jo...Dr. Eugene Felikson... I had no idea!"lol

Much love.

What did you take Lithium for, if you don't mind me asking? I'm curious about it. My mom isn't really capable of holding a convo about such things.

[!@#$%!]

i needed antidepressants and i think the dr. thought i could possibly be hypomanic and so he gave me i think it was paxil and lithium. or probably as a hedge against activation syndrome. either way, was very calming. too calming.

but no, i was unipolar lol.

i do have bipolar friends. they’re on... a bunch of stuff. last i heard they were getting some shit called abilify—not sure what it does.

anyway i didnt mean go visit your mom more and ignore the girl. what i meant was that the issues that are keeping you from making progress in your relationships were created in your family of origin.

that your family of origin is undergoing a serious meltdown might also have triggered some of those issues. e.g. you might have acted desperate with the girl and spooked her.

but therapy is not going to fix your family outside of you. you getting therapy is not gonna heal your mom, or bring your parents back together. it can help you however avoid recreating the things you don’t want that you unavoidably learned there. as well as help all this be less of a drag in your life. i hope im making sense with this paragraph lol.

but yeah the point is to function better and with less drama by focusing on the root of your troubles.

then again without drama we would have no tennessee williams.

hmmmm

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

Wow bro. Yknow you might've hit the nail on the head there. Hmmm indeed

[!@#$%!]

lol i hope so

i didn’t do 7 years of therapy for nothing

and i understand your suspicion of medications.

but don’t be afraid of therapy that can help you function a little better in this world. dont worry, it won’t neuter you or make you “normal.” and it can even be an inspiration to make more work.

my therapy increased my awareness—of myself and others, and helped me embrace my own eccentricities without shame. it’s been a good thing. i swear by it.

of course like shoes you gotta try some for a good fit. some therapists are idiots, some are geniuses, some are okay. trust must be earned. know what i mean?

anyway, see if you can find.

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

yeah my experience with therapists hasn't been the best, but not necessarily the worst either. last time i went i was like 18/19 and that was like a decade ago soooo....

wish i still had the insurance from my old job. hoping to land something solid soon. but i will def seek all that out. i might be surprised at what i find

[choc e-Claire]

Sorry if this is just a bit bland or meaningless, I don't really know what to say.

Just want to let you know that you'll be alright. You can do this. We believe in you.



P.S. I agree with slavo - that picture was pretty hot.

[!@#$%!]

Originally Posted by Dr. Eugene Felikson

yeah my experience with therapists hasn't been the best, but not necessarily the worst either. last time i went i was like 18/19 and that was like a decade ago soooo....

wish i still had the insurance from my old job. hoping to land something solid soon. but i will def seek all that out. i might be surprised at what i find

in the meantime though, consider support groups. yeah...

there are all kinds!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Support_group#Types

(i know over the years we’ve come to function as a support group here as well lol. which i think is great)

oh, here more:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-h..._mental_health

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

Originally Posted by choc e-Claire

Sorry if this is just a bit bland or meaningless, I don't really know what to say.

Just want to let you know that you'll be alright. You can do this. We believe in you.



P.S. I agree with slavo - that picture was pretty hot.

thanks i appreciate your kindness <333

Sonic love, and all

[EVOLghost]

Hope you're feelin' better mang. Hit me up on Steam if you wanna/need to chat.

[louder]

Sorry for bumping this thread..


But I just wanted to say that you probably don't feel bad enough about balding if you won't do something to reverse it.


I went from bald to a head full of hair with 3 hair transplants. It was costly and inconvinient but now I feel much better about myself.

[EVOLghost]

Act like you have a GINORMOUS penis.