[GeneticKiss]

Bump - further developments have become available, so I'm posting them.

I went to see her again on Monday, because it was Valentine's Day. She doesn't have any money and can't leave the crisis center, so she made me a card and did the white board in the meeting room up with "Happy Valentine's Day [my name]!!" real big with hearts and words like "cute" and "fun", "my [her nickname for me]", "always and forever", etc. I got fast food take out for us to have a little dinner together, and I gave her a mix CD of songs I said make me think of her/us...I included Sugar Kane in there because I wanted to introduce her to Sonic Youth, and she seemed to like it...I also put the Psychedelic Furs' Pretty in Pink (the good version from 1981) on there, and it's been playing in my head all day as I've thought about her. Someone once called that song a "sad song about a unique girl", and it's fitting, because she sort of has a "happy sad" vibe to her, like she loves life (she sings along to songs she likes and wears colorful socks) but is struggling against some unseen enemy (to be honest though, I only picked it because she likes the color pink).

It was a somewhat mixed time. We shared candy hearts and she showed me her room, which was apparently against the rules since we were quickly told to go back to the meeting room. There were collages on the walls she'd made, and they made me feel good about her, because their overall vibe was "I've been badly hurt in the past, but I won't give up". However, when we were back in the meeting room, she told me she cries every night and is feeling cooped up and useless, and was thinking about running away. I told her that she should just sit tight and just try and make the best of things for now...but I don't know how much impact that had. She keeps saying she's crazy and I keep telling her she's not. I encourage her by telling her how much I believe in her and I say positive things like "remember no matter how dark the past was, the future will always be brighter", but her attitude towards getting treatment is somewhat pouty and immature. More than anything right now, she wants to get out of where she's at, if only for a little while. I'm going to talk to her foster mom to see if there isn't something we could work out. There's a bowling alley close by, and she and I both like bowling, so maybe if I could take her there on the condition I'd bring her back by a certain time, it could really help her.

At the end of the day, I can't help but wonder if maybe she knows herself better than those trying to help her do. She once told me she used to take her bad feelings out on others, and made up her mind she wouldn't anymore. Since she's been in the crisis center, she's been flexing her creative muscles and channeling her negative emotions into more positive outlets. So who's to say she can't will herself to stop taking her feelings out on herself?

[SpaceCadetHayden]

You're really a fantastic man, Genetic.

I've been in same position as your girlfriend a number of times. From 15-19 I was consistently in and out of psych wards for suicide attempts and severe depression. Of course she wants to leave, but that's not always the best answer. Those places, while helpful, feel like hell sometimes. Being told when/if you can see family and friends, when to go to bed, what you're eating, etc. is never a good feeling and makes a person feel as she said "cooped up and useless". Encourage her to follow through with her therapy, and when she's out continue to see a shrink or therapist.

It takes A LOT of effort to get through stuff like this and any and all help is always appreciated in the end. I can say with some certainty that I've dealt with the majority of my shit but life is never the same and people are never 'fixed'. Those feelings still come back to haunt you once it's over and she just needs to take them head-on.

You're in my prayers, hombre. You're one of the few decent people left and don't let any discouragement get you down. You can only keep your sanity by giving it to others.

[EVOLghost]

^ ya. I agree...

genetic is awesome. you're really a kind dood.



anyways! I've been feeling empty....but I just don't have any desire to eat...

[GeneticKiss]

This might be the last update for a little while...I hate to air my dirty laundry on the board, but I consider a lot of you guys to be like pen pals or something along those lines. And it can be more satisfying talking about this semi-anonymously than to my parents, my girlfriend's foster mom, or her not-always-supportive biological sister.

Yesterday while I was at work, she called my cell phone and since I was unable to answer her, she left a long voicemail saying she doesn't have feelings for me right now and isn't sure if she will again, and basically that she needs to focus on herself for the time being, but she still wanted to be my friend and I could call her back if I wanted. I called her back an hour or so later on my lunch break...I had planned out all the things I was going to say, but when the crisis center put her on the phone, I was fairly speechless for a good minute or so. When I regained my composure, I told her that I wasn't going to try and change her mind or convince her to feel the way she did before if it doesn't come to her naturally. But I did tell her sometimes you need to take life one day at a time...she told me there's a lot of uncertainty in her life right now, and she's not even sure if she'll return home when it's over. I told her that if she does return to Pittsburgh, she should look me up...I told her take care, and that I love her, and hung up.

So that's it, for now, anyway...but, I can't help but feel...ever see the movie Millenium? Don't. It's a horrible film; poor acting, thin plot, weak effects even for the time (1989), and to top it off, Kris Kristofferson played the lead role. However, its last line did make an impression upon me, and in this case, it fits:

"This is not the end...this is not the beginning of the end...it is the end of the beginning."

Call it love, faith, optimism, wishful thinking, or just plain denial if you want, but it's the way I feel.

[EVOLghost]

^
dood. It's probably just what she's going through. It seems like a hard thing to do....keeping a relationship while trying to piece yourself back together. I mean....surely in the future she'll realize how much you cared for her during her rough times.
















ps....NOW i'm at the final boss in PSIV. I'm choosing that Esper chick cause of her kick ass heal. though I think I need to level a up a bit...oh and I also got that spell from Anger tower on that hidden planet, the name escapes me atm.

[GeneticKiss]

^I always used Raja...not only can he heal well (his Miracle skill brings everyone back with near-full HP),but his St. Fire skill is very effective against the Profound Darkness...