[John Violence]

I am going to request no posting until all of the scenes are over.

[John Violence]

HUSKERS ON A PLANE

Sonic Youth, Husker Du, and J/Patti are at an airport

Kim: When's our plane coming?
J/Patti: When I make Gloria mine!
Lee: When I see Karen again.
Thurston: My mind is a gelatinous ball of pepper.

Steve comes in view. He prances around in a leotard that makes him look like the pink panther.

Steve: lol lol lol lol buttsex
Husker Du (SIMULTANEOUSLY): We were thinking that! As soon as Chuck Norris boards our plane, we guess. YEAH! *JAMS KICK OUT*

random tourists with fanny packs and joints yell for patti to start some poetic rantings

Patti: POEMS POEMS POEMS THE AIR IS A GENTLE BREEZE
Audience: Whooo!
Patti: Whooing is for sellouts of the mindwarped generation that never embraced the intensity of rock and roll blending into poetry and the sweet jams invigorating their senses blahfhfahfahfahvsegnseibuttsex

THE GAME pops out of nowhere on the plane.

THE GAME: What up hoez
Thurston: Contemplating the current state of rock and roll.
THE GAME: Shit yeah.

A guy with a fanny pack and joint gets up. he reaches into the game's back pocket and pulls out bat. IT TURNS OUT IT'S TONY DANZA!! he also pisses his pants because his agent calls him and tells him his show sucks.

TONY DANZA: I can't take this. I'm gonna bite this bat's head off!
Grant Hart: We got a bat head-biter on a plane? HEY, it's Tony Danza!




Joan Rivers pops out of Steve's carryon bag, a Louis Vuitton purse.

Joan: OMG! TONY DANZA! I'm reporting live! Tony Danza simultaneously pissed his pants and chewed the head off of a live bat. Who are you wearing, dahling?
TONY DANZA!: SS Beat Control shirt, Brokeback Apparel jeans.
Joan: Pina coladas, internet sexin', or getting caught in the rain?
TONY DANZA!: I enjoy the alcohol.
Kim: I can't take this! STFU, Joan. I'll slam your head down a toilet and get my posse to go after you. You'll be getting loose with the Pussy Galore- while they shove your head down the toilet after me! My husband Thurston Moore will crack jokes afterwards while I flush your head down the toilet again!
Joan: Well, shit.

Patti is not amused. Thurston is. Husker Du are.

the game: What next, cracka hoez?
Steve and Lee: JAMZ!

[John Violence]

Mike Watt comes out of the crapper looking moderately relieved. Everyone gets a horrified look on their face. Steve whines how he hates Coke.

Mike: Don't put me off, 'cause I'm on fire..
Thurston: O RLY NOW??!

MADONNA comes out from underneath the sink. She is clad in a blue catsuit similar to Lee's. Everyone looks moderately scared. Patti appears stoned.

MADONNA: And I can't quench my desire!
TONY DANZA!: I'm burning up.

It turns out he is burning up. Kim has set him on fire.

Bob Mould: lol lol lol.
Kim: Something in the air here makes you go insane.
Patti: lol

husker du and mike watt KICK OUT a rousing cover of burning up. lee and madonna dance. the rest of sonic youth and patti break out into an interpretive dance communicating the underlying themes in the song burning up. it ends

Thurston: Dude, we're on a plane. Husker Du is on a plane!
Patti: "here are members of Husker Du on this Motherfuckin plane!


Kim chats with Patti on the plane.
Patti: You lit Tony Danza on fire on the plane today but nobody cared because Uma wasn't around.
Kim: But what ever happened to you and Uma?
Patti: I don't know. It's too hard to talk about.

Thurston and Steve meet up with Husker Du.

Steve: Huskers on a plane! Uh are your eyes okay Grant?
Grant: I'm fine. Hey, do you want to wrestle?
Steve: No thanks.
Thurston: Yep the SST days were good times.
Grant: Damn yeah they were
Mould: Yep

Henry Rollins walks towards them.

Mould: God I hope Rollins doesn't chat with us.
Rollins: Peprica Balls anybody?
Steve: Peprica Balls? Fuck.
Rollins: Ah I remember in the SST days when Black Flag was playing with Painted Willy and they...

Kim gives a cold stare at Rollins.

Rollins: I gotta go!
Husker Du: Thanks Kim.
Kim: He hasn't forgot about the balcony incident.

The Yoof, Huskers, Henry, and Patti are relaxing on the plane after an intense bout of eating paprika balls and many more balls and discussing Uma. There is suddenly a big cloud of pink smoke .SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON APPEARS.

SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Did I hear there were Huskers on this plane?
J/Patti: I've seen too much to try you...
SAMUEL L: No way! HUSKERS! COME ON NIXON!

A cloud of purple smoke. NIXON APPEARS.




Nixon: I AM NOT A CROOK BUT I AM A HUSKER DU FAN!
Mould: Thanks
Rollins: What about Rollins Band.
Patti: Shut the fuck up! Nobody Cares!
Rollins: Why don't you shut up first Patti?
Nixon: Don't you have some peprica balls to attend to Rollins.

Rollins walks away mumbling

Nixon: Can you guys play "Diane"
Norton: Okay
Danza: PLAY FREEBIRD!

Awkward Silence....
Lee helps a half blinded Grant Hart get to his drum set and Husker Du begins to play Diane. Nixon sneaks away looking for some lovin.

[John Violence]

Nixon sneaks into the cockpit, reaching into his pants. He feels a roll of duct tape. In the cockpit, Shatner is sat reclining back looking at a picture of Leonard Nemoy. Nixon looks hot.

Nixon: Hi, buttzsex lol.
THE SHAT: I. Would not. Object. To. That.

Groovy porn music, like Van Halen or something, starts to play. Grunting can be heard all the way near the seats of the Huskers, Henry, The Yoof, and Patti. It can be heard over the sounds of HUSKER DU's "Diane". Dancers dressed in purple catsuits pop out from underneath the seats.

Henry: Now what about Rollins band?
Patti: STFU!

After an intense love making session, Nixon sneaks out and Shat walks out in a white robe and cigarette.

Shat: Yeah I still got it.
The rest of the plane: GROSS!
The Game: Who would make love to that thing dawg?
Patti: I bet it was Rollins!

Everybody starts laughing.

Rollins: Shut up! I'm way too straight to do that!
Lee: Yeah thats why you wear your cute little short shorts at every show you have ever played.
Rollins: Stop it guys!
Mould: I heard Greg Ginn kicked you out of Black Flag because he was tired of seeing your thighs every show.
Rollins: I gotta go!
Shat: I don't know exactly who made love to me. He was wearing a Richard Nixon mask the whole time.
Kim: It was totally Rollins.
Rollins: I heard that!

[John Violence]

Everything has calmed down and Thurston gets up to ask Lee a quick question. Thurston bumps shoulders with The Game on accident and The Game becomes furious.

The Game: Whats you doin in my way sucka chump.
Thurston: Sorry
The Game: Sucka chump sucka chump you best not be callin me out son! I'm The Game!
Thurston: ?????
The Game: Ah no you didn't! We needs to settle this in a rap battle.

Dr. Dre comes up and talks to The Game.

Dr Dre:I don't know if you wanna do this. This cat can ryme.
The Game: I isn't afraid of some white boy!
Thurston: FINE LETS GO!

Steve Shelly gets behind the kit and starts playing a rap beat.

The Game: Uhhhh! Yeah! Uh! I got a sucka chump named Thurston Whore he plays in da yoof and is just a bore. Uh Uh Uh yeah!

The music stops.

Danza: Wait was that it?
The Game: What you mean dats it? I ripped him to pieces.

Sonic Youth picks up their equipment and starts playing Master Dik. Patti Smith holds a single microphone to record it all.

Thurston:

One two, one two, one two titty
I know every nook and cranny in New York City
We're Ciccone and that's enough
I'm the Royal Tuff Titty and you gotta taste my love
Taste my love
Yeah Come on everybody and rock with me
I am the one on the Christmas tree
Now whippin' out the words like a moving story
Now walking up the stairs and corkin' up the board
Trippin' anywhere, I don't fuckin' care
Put on some dark eyes and wave me goodbye

John Violence, Schizophrenicroom, HaydenAsche, The Dom, and especially Sellouteater are freaking out and doing the robot.


[Kiss sample: "said she's looking good"]
[thurston does random ciccone rap overtop]
[thurston says something i can't decipher, coughs, and a second Kiss sample begins - "i know" - w/ thurston singing along, then saying "Gene Simmons is an ugly mother.....". back into "i know" and then "c-c-ciccone... we're ciccone" etc... "i know" again... more mumbled shit... "got off balance..??..Sun Ra...?????" ... "like a hylozoic gonna pass right through saying 'all is one and one is too too many'...] London fuck you're pissing me off
Hollywood weirdo, cough cough cough
Won't you please let me rock you
Now I'm just a boy with not much to do
Everybody says doesn't come from above
You're gonna scream when you taste my love
Taste my love
Yeah.....C-C-C-C-Ciccone...C-C-C-C-Ciccone..
Yeah we're Ciccone...
...aaaaaaaaahhhhh........
We're ciccone...ciccone..c-ciccone..ciccone

The Plane goes wild and the Game faints from embarrassment

[John Violence]

Samuel L Jackson is sitting with Kurt and chatting. Samuel stops and starts to look at Greg Norton from a distance.

Kurt: Yeah I think the new Zombie Nirvana tour is gonna be good.
Samuel: It's gonna be....
Kurt: What's wrong?
Samuel: OH MY GOD THERE'S A SNAKE ON GREG'S FACE!
Kurt: Yikes.
J/Patti: There are snakes on this motherfuckin plane!
Danza: There is Tony Danza on this motherfuckin plane!

Awkward silence again.

Thurston: Serioulsy, can sombody shut Tony up?
Kim: Wait! That's not a snake.
Samuel: Yeah it is There are snakes...
Lee: It's just his moustache.
Samuel: Oh.

The plane has a sigh of relief until the masked Nixon is seen.

Watt: It's Nixon!
Rollins: Who is gonna stop him?

Grant Hart rises from his seat and puts on his wrestling attire.

Grant: There is only one man who can catch him and that's Grant "The Hitman" Hart baby!

Dave Grohl gets up to take a vicious girl dump. When he walks in he finds Lee tied up still in his blue catsuit.

Dave: Lee what's up!
Lee: mmalhf!
Dave: Yeah, I like Frosted Flakes too.

Patti walks in.

Patti: Oh the only way to express my views of this situation is to dance barefoot on dishes.
Watt: Has anybody else noticed that Patti looks like that singer of Dinosaur Jr.?
Mould: No.
Watt: Oh.
Dave: Who would tie up Lee and buttsex the Shat Attack?

The masked Nixon then stands up.

Nixon: You want some bitches?
Da Game: Ah hell na son? You betta beez notz callin out Da Game. Da Game is gonna Kill ya!

Nixon pulls out his pistol and shoots Da Game 24 times in the nipple.

Da Game: Ah na! I got shot by a cracka!
Nixon: Who else wants some buttsecks kickin?
Grant Hart: take off your pants, let’s wrestle.

Grant Hart has Nixon ready to be put in the sharpshooter but Nixon reaches in his trunks and throws purple glitter in his eyes.

Grant Hart: I've been blinded again!
The Ref: ONE...TWO...THREE! DING DING! THE WINNER AND STILL HUSKERS ON A PLANE CHAMPION...RICHARD NIXON!
Thurston: Nobody can stop Nixon!!! There is no hope!

Suddenly the plane begins to move violently.

The Shat: I can't control the plane!
Patti: Little sister the sky is falling....



*Nixon marches out of the bathroom, looking rather delighted and maniacal*

Nixon: FOOLS! LISTEN TO ME! This plane is gonna go down.
Steve: Nooooo! *grabs broomstick from under seat*
Patti Smith: There's something with the plane. *scoots close to Thurston*
Thurston: lol patti can feel it in her bones
Kim: Oh, lord.
Nixon: I DECLARE MYSELF LORD SUPREMACY OF THIS PLANE.

*CHUCK NORRIS EMERGES OUT OF A CLOUD OF PINK SMOKE, INEXPLICABLY HOLDING A CAN OF 'WHOOPASS'*

Chuck Norris: Did somebody say... PLANE? *grabs belt buckle and makes a stone cold CHUCK NORRIS FACE*
Nixon: You damn right. I'm not a crook.
Chuck Norris: O RLY?
Nixon: YA RLY.

*CHUCK NORRIS DOES A VARIETY OF KARATE ACTS TO KILL NIXON, AND INTRODUCES GYMNASTIC ACTS LIKE STRADDLE JUMPS AND ROUND-OFF BACKHANDSPRINGS TO KICK HIM IN THE FACE AND SHOW OFF HIS NEW PINK LEOTARD WITH PICTURES OF UNICORNS.*

Chuck: Take this, beezatch! *round-house kicks*
Steve: My wand! You broke my wand!
Lee: Here, Steve. *hands him a new wand*
Chuck: This is no place for charms! This is only a place for my gymnastic and karate expertise. My tapes sell for 19.95 each if you feel so inclined to learn the ways of my dojo.
Bob Mould: I don't know what you're talking about!




*Nixon gets up off the floor. He looks angry. He tries to attack *

[John Violence]

Nixon sneakes behind Chuck and bites him in the neck like a vampire.

Chuck: I've been bit!
Watt: I'm coming Mr. Chuck Norris.
Nixon: Not if I take out your infant knees first!

Nixon flicks Watt's right knee and Watt instantly falls to fetal position in pain. Nixon pulls out his pistol and is ready to finish Norris.

Nixon: It's over Norris but first, i'm gonna show you some sexin....What's that noise?

The Huskers begin to play the A-Team theme as the Mr. T. drives a van down the aisle.

Mr. T.: Who be speakin dis jibba jabba about Chucky Cheese Norris?
Rollins: Can I get an autograph Mr. T.?
Mr. T.: Shut yo dayum mouth boy and get me some towels.

Mr. T. is handed a towel and proceeds to whip Nixon into submission.

Nixon: Oh please stop! It's like high school all over again!
Norris: Super studded maximum roundhouse kick!

Nixons mask flies off to reveal....DAVID LEE ROTH!

DLR: Dibbidy doo blueberry bop!
Thurston: I was not expecting that one!
Lee: But why David?
DLR: Jib Jockstrap dock doo I got a new album out and have to promote it somehow.

*all stand around shocked as DAVID LEE ROTH stands, after being unveiled*

Lee: This is not cool, man.
Kim: It's very avant-garde.. it flows well.
Steve: OH NO! *grabs broomstick* AVADA KEDAVRA!... damnit.
David: Can't you see what I meeeeaaaannn?
Thurston: JUMP!

*Thurston jumps. Everyone else jumps. Steve jumps and accidentally jabs David Lee Roth in the eye with his broom/drumstick.*

Thurston: We had to jump! LOL it's your blast scene alibi.
Kim: Oy.
Rollins: CAN WE JUST JUMP?


*After JUMPING, the plane finally lands at the airport.*

Bob Mould: Well, I'm a Husker, and I just got off the plane. I guess the Huskers are off the plane.
Joan Rivers: Are you Danish?

*Greg Norton kills her with his moustache. She explodes.*

Chuck Norris: Job well done. But needed more round-house kick. While I stand here glaring with my eyes of justice grasping my belt buckle, I want to see you round-house kick her. Mr. T, grab the luggage.
Mr. T: No, foo. But I guess we gotta get offda plane. SURE FOO.

*Everyone gets off the plane. Steve looks sad. Everyone else seems pretty excited to get off the plane and they are all caked in purple dust after Joan Rivers explodes and her eye makeup flies through the air and lands on them. SHATNER REMAINS*

Shatner: Ahh. I. Miss. The. Feel. Of. Buttsex. People. Off. THE. PLANE!!! *smiles maniacally*

*RICHARD NIXON COMES FROM THE LITTLE CLOSET RIGHT NEAR THE COCKPIT DOOR. THE VIOLINS GO "NYAAAHHH!"*

Nixon: Did somebody say.. BUTTSEX? *dun dun dun*

*THE FINAL SONG PLAYS AS THE PLANE GETS READY TO TAKE OFF INTO THE SUNSET. GRUNTS CAN BE HEARD FROM THE PLANE. Inexplicably, Sonic Youth and Husker Du had to get back on the plane, since they forgot some stuff, and they are now trapped listening to the sounds of buttsex. The rest of the cast can be seen at the airport terminal, waving goodbye*

Shatner: WHY? ARE? THE? HUSKERS? STILL? ON? THE? PLANE?
Bob Mould: That's how Huskers do

*everyone giggles and Thurston goes "hoosker duuu"* it. No matter what, we're Huskers. We're Huskers on a plane!

*Thurston wakes up in the airport. That crap above was all a dream. OR WAS IT? He sees a plane. OR DOES HE?*

Thurston: There were Huskers on that plane! Heeee I'm insane. *rubs his eyes. he's actually on the plane.* DAMNIT!
Greg: You're on the plane! The Husker Plane!

Cowboy by Kid Rock now plays.


THE END

[schizophrenicroom]

*cries*

that was beautiful.

[John Violence]

Another work of art if I must say!

[schizophrenicroom]

HOAP is the definition of art.

[John Violence]

It's like a savage animal!

[umjammer atomsk]

Greatest human accomplishment hands-fucking-down, man.

[schizophrenicroom]

It's like.. Chuck Norris, but WORDS!

I have some pictures from the party I've been taking.. here's one..

 

[SpectralJulianIsNotDead]

There should be a sequel- Huskers on a Rocket!

[John Violence]

Thurston is already wasted.

 

[umjammer atomsk]

God you fucking beat me to it JV. I was posting it and BLAM-O. That was pretty crazy. How did we both end up in the bathroom with him again?

[John Violence]

I'm fast as shit!

[schizophrenicroom]

damnit! and thurston had some freaking good lines.

[umjammer atomsk]

Are they playing an encore? I have to see that beast again.

[schizophrenicroom]

you bet. in a few hours it's gonna hit the cinema, so you can see it as many times as you want.

julian- huskers on a rocket would rock. hmmm.