[Dead-Air]

Well...?

[joe11121]

Some people obsess over me. They need to give it a rest and shut up

[SpectralJulianIsNotDead]

I don't know if anything about my life is all that strange

An ex-girlfriend who cheated on me asked an acquaintance of mine if I was single. That was kind of a chin scratcher. And no, I'm not going to follow it up. I'd rather fuck my hand than her.

[Derek]

Well apart from a friend lying that she had cancer and sucked everyone's deepest sympathies out of them... I dunno.

[atsonicpark]

Nearly everyone in my family died, and I've had to pick up the pieces and go to court about 20 times in the past 6 months over all kinds of different shit relating to people dying. I tried to kill myself a few times but I must be doing something wrong. Just start the car in my garage and cover up in blankets and roll the windows up, right? Hmph. I've gotten further and further into drugs. That's not true. I'm actually surprisingly drug free despite some opiates every now and then and I'm going to do some X soon. I love X. I stopped drinking cough syrup. 100 times seemed like enough. Also, my girlfriend broke up with me a few times. I don't blame her. I've never yelled at her, I've never been mean to her, contrary to what you think I'm actually a gentle person.. I seem confrontational to some people who don't understand my sense of humor.. on here, not in real life. In "real life", I'm a pretty quiet person who minds his own business. I know no one would treat her better than me. But she's just brainwashed and she wears a masks and hides herself from people. No one really knows who she is except for me. Like REALLY knows. And not just because I fucked her. So, it's one of those things, since I see who she really is, it scares her or something and she is mean to me. And I just am like, "Whatever. Go date someone else then. *shrug*" Which I don't really mean. Jesus, in a month and a week, we've been together 6 years! Her biggest problem isn't with me, it's with, "I'm unsure... about the future..." Well, no shit, who isn't? I tell her, she needs to go out and hang out with friends and mingle with people and then she'll realize how I am versus how everyone else is. Not that I'm that great. But I'm great for HER. She's too shy to talk to anyone. I've introduced her to so many people. I dunno. I've set up hang out time for her and other people because she simply won't do it. Meanwhile, she keeps telling me we're moving out together and all this shit. I have $12,000 in the bank, and I'm not happy in the fucking least. Money can't buy me happiness.. that's true. I don't feel any better than I felt when I had 12 cents. I dunno. Just all this shit. The main thing I'm really focused on.. oh, I forgot, my "best friend" is an irresponsible, lazy idiot. He sleeps like 16 hours a day, broke my computer (got viruses on my computer that I had used for 8 years without a problem and then acted like he didn't do anything... and then finally admitted he did, by feeding his porn addiction he downloaded some trojan bullshit to it when I was away.. my computer was at his house because we were recording over there and all my VST plugins were on it and shit...he downloaded a trojan and didnt' know what to do, it's not fucking rocket science, I have a million trojan killing programs right when you click start, I'm the safest computer user in the world), then after he broke mine he got his all wet.. his $1600 laptop.. he's some rich kid, who has gotten everything handed to him, nothing is of value to him, he just breaks shit, leaves my movies out and they get all scratched up and shit.. I fucking hate him sometimes, like seriously hate him. Whenever we hang out, he makes a big deal about his diet, he eats 8 meals a day or some bullshit, and he's never had a girlfriend and he's 23 because he's a loser who doesn't talk to anyone and, again, I've tried to help him but he doesn't take any of my advice and doesn't do any of the shit I say, even though I'm the same age and I've messed around with at least 3 beautiful (in the eye of the beholder) girls. But somehow I don't know what I'm talking about, even though I'm clearly not a hotty and I've somehow gotten my dick sucked by girls that any reasonable person would go, "Okay, she's way out of your league." This guy looks just as good as me.. or bad.. he just has no personality! Why do I even hang out with this guy? I sound like a bad friend, but I'm really not, I clean his house for him, organize his things, spend time burning him cd's.. well, when my burner worked.. ripping cd's to his computer, buying him food even though he's a rich kid and doesn't need my money, I give him drugs. Whatever. I always listen to him. But he doesn't have much to say. And he'd abandon me in a heartbeat. And my other good friend is in really bad shape too. His dad died and he went numb to the world. He stared at a wall the other day for the entire day. That's all he did. He blows his money on bullshit and then he feels bad about it. I dunno. I can't help anyone, and everyone around me needs help. I pay all my mom's bills because she's too lazy to work. My grandpa is a mean old man and I feel guilty because he has 2 pill bottles of 500 hydrocodones each, and he doesn't ever take them because it makes him itch and they expired a year ago, but I went and took about 10 without his permission. I felt like a thief. I am, technically, stealing. I mean, they're going to go to waste anyway. I'm not addicted or anything. But I have back problems. I had back surgery. I'm not making excuses. But I really should go to the doctor and get a prescription. But I'm too lazy myself. I don't feel driven to do that. Maybe it's not laziness. I mean, I work all the time. I work 3rd shift. I work REALLY hard. Like, REALLY. Like, I kill myself working so hard. I shouldn't feel guilty taking 10 pills. I broke them into 4ths because I'm so skinny that a 4th of one of these pills is all I need. It's like I have 40 pills. I've promised myself I'd never steal from my family again. Even if it was going to just be thrown away anyway. When he dies, I get everything in his house, so I guess technically I'll inherit all his expired pills. So... ahh. I'm not going to try to make myself feel better for doing something like that. I'm not a thief. I'm a criminial, technically, because I do occasionally take drugs. I'm going to do ecstasy really soon. Oh, did I mention going to court? Yep, I have to go to court because I evicted some meth whore from a house my aunt left me. And whatever. She owes me $1410. She's on the run now. I have to file a bench warrant. All this shit. We're also suing these doctors because my aunt overdosed on pills. But the thing is, all the pills in her system were of the right limit. The right amonut that doctors prescribed. But she was prescribed methadone for 2 years. You're only supposed to be prescribed that for a few MONTHS I think. Actually, I read 6 weeks. We're suing a doctor, not doctorS. I don't even feel like spellchecking. The only thing that makes me happy is making and listening to music. I feel like my whole ... my whole BEING is to try to help people, to try to give people insight, advice, to expose people to something a little different. I willingly recognize I exist outside of the norm and seek out things that are far beyond and outside the boundaries of what most people are content with. But I don't, honestly, care what people end up liking. I just wish people were more open minded. If you tell me to check out a band.. yeah, obviously, I overlook occasional reccomendations, but if someone goes, "Adam, this band will BLOW YOUR MIND, you MUST listen." I go, "Sure!" I'm EXCITED to! I think everyone on this board would LOVE Cerberus Shoal, but almost no one will bother looking them up. That doesn't anger me or disappoint me, it's just silly that people are overlooking truely brilliant music in favor of some cocksuck band like the Mars Volta. That's not limited to this board, it's everywhere.. everyone in general. I try to not be like that. I want to be open minded all the time, even when I don't feel like it. Fuck, I've gone out of my way so many times for people... I uploaded well over a GIGABYTE of albums on a 28k modem for a friend. On dialup. He was on cable. I just.. I dunno. I burned movies for people and shit for free, back when I had a burner that worked. I dunno. I do everything for free. Record labels get pissed off at me because I give people mp3's and shit of things they plan on releasing by me. I guess I understand, if they're printing the art and doing all this shit to get it looking good and presentable, but most of those labels just wait until an order comes in, then they burn it then, and that'sd the end of it, no other "art" is involved with making a cd. I also wish I could HELP labels. Seems contradictory. I mean, I want to get my music out there to a lot of people so I can end up alligning myself with a label and helping them with something. because there are people that work way harder than me, playing shows all year long, and .. spending money, time, and ... working hard. Really hard. Harder than me! And I appreciate that. I love that. That's what really attracts me to music. That we all obsess and work so hard over SOUND. That discover of NOTES. Like, right now, my OCD is acting up, I have to get the entire discography of like 5000 bands still, I must hear every melody ever put to tape! I love making music though. Man. That's my real thrill in life. That's better than drugs or... maybe not sex, but drugs! I think I make good music. I don't think I make GREAT music, I think I've MADE great music but I don't constantly make it. But who does? I think I have a couple songs that are really, truely amazing.

[atsonicpark]

But that's after recording 1000 songs. So, fuck, everyone's going to have some amazing songs after 1000, unless it's the Smashing Pumpkins or something. But yeah. I really enjoy doing Robe., that's the happiest I've ever been with a band, because I feel like I could do anything. I feel like no instrument is frustrating to play anymore, because I am intelligent enough to implement it in such a way where no matter what bullshit I play, I can effect it enough where it sounds okay. I like that. That's what really attracts me to drone. At the end of the day, with drone music, the sum.. the whole.. it's all about the whole, not the sum. I mean, the way the piece moves, not the riffs or chords or notes or melodies or whatever. That sentence was stupid. But you know what I mean. You can do anything. It's limitless. I like piling on thick layers of darkness. I hate doing Scissor Shock now, I feel like it's too limiting, I'm only going to do one more album with that band probably. But Robe.!!... I think I have a bright future there. Just need to play live more. I hate playing live though. Never comes off the way I want it to and I'm too lazy and uncaring to purchase 500 effects pedals and huge ass $463676376 amps to make sound happen. That's all Sunn O))) is, you know. One finger riffs with expensive ass amps. I mean, it's ridiculous. With a loud enough amp.. that's all you need. The physical force of the sound. Don't get me wrong, I love Sunn. But they're really not doing anything that special. I'd rather listen to Niblock's guitar album. I love movies... I want to shoot an experimental film. I want to shoot MANY. Giuseppe Andrews is such a good director. He makes me happy. Him and Kitano!! But man.. I could never be THAT good. I think with music, there are no limits. I feel with film, even though the same could easily be said by anyone with common sense after only thinking about it for 5 seconds.......... but with film, I feel there are limits. I guess they're self-imposed but movies that lack direction usually lose people. Music can be directionless and still be okay to identify with. But a completely directionless movie? A movie made of random, incoherent images? Who's going to watch that shit? Go download NASTY FUCKING TITTY EATER off of archive.org and see how much you can watch of that. Just random images for 90 minutes. I love it but.. who else does? I constantly find that the more experimental movies I like are the ones every "normal" person hates. Whatever. It's just entertainment. I waste too much time on entertainment. I have plenty of money, I live in the woods, and I have access to decent drugs.. I don't want to do drugs that are too extreme... acid's about as extreme as I'd ever do.. but man, I love the woods. I truely love them, I should really enjoy myself more. I guess I just hate myself. I guess that's what happens when you strive to help people and constantly get walked on for being too nice. It's my own fault. I haven't had a bad life, despite the molestation and abuse when I was younger, but I've honestly forgotten about all that except being hit and it's not like it's fucked me up or anything. I think I have my head screwed on pretty straight, but have you ever noticed how many supposed "geniuses" have killed themselves? I think what intelligent people (and trust me, I'm no genius, but by using proper punctuation and spelling usually, I'm smarter than probably at least 75% of Americans) figure out is that life, ultimately, is pointless. I think it's my OCD. But I feel like I'm building and building and building.. but I'll never reach my goal. I guess that's really the strangest thing in my life. The feeling that I'll never be complete. And I hate it.

[Derek]

Okay you win.

[atsonicpark]

Of course, I'm winning:
http://www.sonicyouth.com/gossip/mem...putation&pp=30

[Derek]

And I'm still on the second page

But honestly, a lot of people experience those problems you have, so you aren't completely alone. I've definitely got some of the same problems you've got.

[ploesj]

ummm...

i'm in a bubble and i know it.

[[Sandbag]]

panic attacks... :S

[Torn Curtain]

Originally Posted by ploesj

ummm...

i'm in a bubble and i know it.

Ha So am I, I think this "fault" affects rather intelligent people so that's the good side of it (along with the creative potential). The downside to it is the difficulty to handle reality and relationships

[Dead-Air]

After ten years since she last worked as a stripper, my wife has started doing it again for extra money.

I'm overall in support of this, because we need the money and it's led to an openness between us we've needed badly for a looong time. I'm seeing a side of her I'd always known was there somewhere (we've been together 8 years now) but not really visualized. The practice sessions have been amazing a led to some amazing sex that tops anything we'd experienced in all of our time together. I've found that her being an exhibitionist within set boundaries is something I not only can handle, but seem to really get into.

Of course I worry about those boundaries, but I worry more about her safety. Last night was actually her first night working and she came home a bit shocked at being reminded how hard of work it really is. I'm hoping she can move to a club closer to home, because currently she has a half hour drive, which is hard on both of us.

So yeah, I guess that'd be why I started this thread. Life is extremely weird feeling at the moment. More good than bad, but turned upside down (and money is bad enough that there is still bad for sure). Keep in mind that my wife had really moved beyond this earlier part of her life, and shown no interest in ever setting foot inside a club in our whole relationship. In fact, I've acted more conservative about a lot of sexual things than I am because I thought she would dislike my real desires. Turns out we've both been doing that for years, like fools really.

[Savage Clone]

Originally Posted by Dead-Air

In fact, I've acted more conservative about a lot of sexual things than I am because I thought she would dislike my real desires. Turns out we've both been doing that for years, like fools really.

I say enjoy this part of it, which it seems like you are. Getting to open up an entire box of new surprises after years and years together is something a lot of people don't get to do.

I've had a few friends who were/are in this line of work, and while I also wouldn't have a problem with it morally or maritally, I would also be aware of the safety issues. People are weird and people get obsessive sometimes. Everyone I know who has worked in that industry has a long string of tales ranging from amusing to disturbing. I'm sure she can handle herself though.

[EVOLghost]

Too much goddamn responsibility...There is too much shit going on right now, I haven't gotten more than 6 consecutive hours of sleep in a really long time...I serisouly need a vacation.

[EVOLghost]

Originally Posted by atsonicpark

I really enjoy doing Robe.

holy shit, you do Robe?

[vulva]

Thursday night, after I finished work I met up with a friend of mine and this dude who was visiting from Boston. We ended up going to Maple Leaf Gardens, which is an old arena the Leafs used to play in but is no longer active. It's a historical building now, so they have security but otherwise there's nothing going on there. Next thing I know, the dude we're with hops over a fence in the alley between it and an apartment complex and opens the entrance to that alley for us.
We spent the next 20 minutes scaling the walls, smashing open a window and getting all out shirt together to get in. We made it. A full on successful infiltration of MLG. Only problem was that once we got in, my friend had a panic attack, and I had to help her get out, so I wasn't in too long. The dude we were with stayed in for another 40 minutes or so. Pictures can/will come later.
Once I got down from the window, I checked and saw that I had cut my hand open a bit on some of the broken glass, so I went to a nearby 24 hr McDonalds to wash it all off. When I knocked on the door to the washroom, I was given the "one second" call from a dude. When the door opened, a homeless guy and a hooker came out. The diaper changing table was down as well. That was my Thursday night.


This is the building on the outside

 

[Dead-Air]

Originally Posted by Savage Clone

I say enjoy this part of it, which it seems like you are. Getting to open up an entire box of new surprises after years and years together is something a lot of people don't get to do.

I've had a few friends who were/are in this line of work, and while I also wouldn't have a problem with it morally or maritally, I would also be aware of the safety issues. People are weird and people get obsessive sometimes. Everyone I know who has worked in that industry has a long string of tales ranging from amusing to disturbing. I'm sure she can handle herself though.

Thanks, it's nice to get some perspective from a like-minded adjusted deviant. I keep asking myself, "Am I really o.k. with this?" and every time the answer is yes, but I almost feel this weird guilt that it is. Like I'm being reminded of my morality (and emotional make-up as well) being outside the norm right in my face when until recently it's all been theoretical.

Yeah, the open box (uh, pun not intended, but there anyway...) beyond the repression in our relationship has been amazing. First I lived a fantasy I'd had forever at her first practice session (and not specifically about her, but the fact it was my best friend under it all made it that much more amazing), then at our next time things happened that I hadn't even gotten around to fantasizing about. So if there are some things to accept to do this, then the payoff outweighs them in scores.

[auto-aim]

Originally Posted by atsonicpark

Nearly everyone in my family died, and I've had to... etc.

AMen

[flophousefloozie]

Originally Posted by Savage Clone

I say enjoy this part of it, which it seems like you are. Getting to open up an entire box of new surprises after years and years together is something a lot of people don't get to do.

A very good point...

As for me, I'm moving back to my hometown, and my boyfriend, whom I've been with for five years (on and off), is moving to Vancouver, which is where I've planned on moving to for years now.

The problem is, I can't go with him because I need a break... badly. Also, I'm now unemployed in Toronto, and going to live with my parents in the prairies for a while, to pay off my debts, and hopefully go back to school.

I have no idea what to do. It's going to be hard to be without him, but so good, at the same time. I don't know how long I'm going to be home before I move to Van, or if I'm going at all.

It isn't all that strange, or even unusual. It doesn't even compare to what some of you have said, and I don't feel sorry for myself. It's just simply what is going on in my life right now....

I am open to suggestions, if anyone feels like playing doctor.