[jon boy]

we will all need these me thinks

PALIUM
Recommended dosage: 5 mg per day until November 4. Except for October 2, the day of the vice-presidential debate—on that day, the recommended dosage is 50 mg. Take with alcohol as necessary.
Effects: Induces a Valium-like calm with respect to all things Sarah Palin and predisposes the mind to recall that she has only been on the national stage a few minutes and yet already has a pattern of political falsehoods, a knocked-up daughter pressed into a shotgun relationship, a cadre of small-town enemies crawling out of her closet, and an abuse-of-power investigation in her home state that’s being run, helpfully, by a Democrat. While on Palinium, you will be soothed by repeated waves of placidity and feel certain that all of these Palin vulnerabilities will somehow lead to a Republican-ticket implosion within the next few weeks.
Possible side effects: Delayed ejaculation, loss of lingering resentment toward Hillary Clinton, desire to join the Alaskan Independence Party.

 

AFRODIAZEPINE
Recommended dosage: 15 mg daily, half dosage if some of your best friends are black. Consult with your physician before taking Afrodiazepine if you are black.
Effects: Also known as the “Black people will save us!” pill, Afrodiazepine focuses the mind on the record-shattering African-American turnout that helped Barack Obama win during the Democratic primaries. This drug fosters deep belief in the turnout-altering nature of Obama’s historic candidacy and helps with absorption of related numbers and percentages, such as the fact that Ohio, which Kerry narrowly lost to Bush in 2004, could easily go for Obama this time around if he wins 95 percent of the state’s black vote (a not unlikely scenario based on Obama’s performance in the Democratic primaries, when his take of African-American voters was well above 90 percent in several states).
Possible side effects: Tourette’s-like shouting of “Black people will save us!” at inappropriate moments, awkward attempts to acquire black friends.

 

JEWBUTRIN
Recommended dosage: Eighteen pills (a lucky number in Jewish lore), or any multiple of 18 pills, weekly. Do not take with milk and meat.
Effects: Stimulates the profound sense that elderly Jewish voters, particularly in Florida, have long since gotten over all those e-mails about Barack Obama being a Muslim and are now spending all of their time—between canasta and mah-jongg games—forwarding around e-mails that talk about how Sarah Palin’s pastor is tight with the founder of Jews for Jesus, how Palin was in church the day this Jews for Jesus putz came as a guest speaker and said that terrorist attacks in Israel were God’s punishment for Jews rejecting Christianity, how on top of all this Palin is an evangelical Christian, and how Jews are generally creeped out by evangelical Christians, what with their tendency to fawn over the Jews because they supposedly can help bring about the rapture (at which point the Jews, their utility over with, will be left behind and suffer eternal damnation).
Possible side effects: Appearance of speaking in tongues—although this is usually only Yiddish, which is harmless

[atari 2600]

oh man that's some great stuff right there

[ZEROpumpkins]

Huge lol

[pbradley]

I thought this was going to be about speed, honestly.