[ann ashtray]

This is one reason I avoid putting myself into a situation to where I'd form a family. I think the idea is nice, but this sorta thing can hold me back from doing the things I want to do. I'm a bit selfish..not when it comes to material things, just with my life. I've got friends, but that's all they are. Most of my best friends are married/homeowners and I can't identify w/ them anymore even though I do love them dearly + spend time w/ 'em when I can.

Most of 'em are droppin' off like flies and slowly becoming what are parents were. I see one particular couple (the husband being my best friend in the entire world) already arguing about shit like "when we have kids will they have to go to church w/ us". He says no (atheist), she says yes. The kids will end up going. Due to her (and she IS cool, just uber-conservative) he now seems to think that certain activities are meant for only those under 25. And I can see how this makes sense in his world...I can. It just doesn't make any in mine. I still view everything as being a giant playground. WHile I stay in a lot of the time (lately because it's been soooo hot/humid), I do enjoy going out and getting into things. Creeping around the downtown area and observing the different scenes from an outsider's perspective ("outsider" in the sense that I'm not really a part of these scenes even though sometimes it's fun to pretend to be). I know people, I hang out with them sometimes but I don't identify with most of them either.

I suppose everything has always been about the "now" for me. I do not go for "long term" goals...just short term. Like trying to save up a little money and paying off what little debt I have left.

I can totally relate to those that wanna just drop everything + go off placing themselves in whatever crazy scenerios they wish to.

I date, but I get way claustrophobic (sometimes I wish I didn't, I do still miss a certain chica from my past + this is something that has caused problems in preceding relationships) if I feel too much is expected of me. I don't cheat, nothing like that, but if i wanna go out and do whatever I feel I should be able to do this whenever I want.

I spent too much time in their houses and their schools in their churches asking for their permission and being made to feel guilty when not in agreement with their rules/lifestyles/beliefs. They told me to go to school or I wouldnt be anything, but unlike most of them I've never had to file bankruptcy. They said I'd be better off if I found a steady partner...unlike them I've yet to get a divorce. I don't pay no child support + when I'm hungry, I'm the only person that's hungry. I don't have to look at Sway Jr. over there and feel bad.

I TOTALLY respect, and have nothing but admiration for those that have found a "significant other", and work happily within that love/work/home triangle...but I just see triangles as having three sides and it scares the shit out of me...I want an unlimited amount of sides.

I'm not trying to down on the lifestyles/situations of others...I think everyone should be free to do what they want as long as it doesn't effect me in a negative way (basically, don't steal my guitar, rape my mom, or kill my brother).