Because I liked Corey Hart as a kid. “
It Ain’t Enough” is a magical song. I find myself singing it all the time. I can really kill the bridge in that song. Also, I find myself singing “
Soul City” by the Partland Brothers a lot. Gourmet Spud loves that song. Speaking of comparative deaths, I would rather Gourmet Spud die than me. He’s Irish — there’s more where that came from. I would also rather the Partland Brothers die than Corey Hart. I guess this means I am pretty cold-hearted when it comes to my friends, and also perhaps a little gay for Corey Hart. But I digress. I never liked Corey Haim. You should never have joined the football team, Lucas, you little faggot. Get a fucking helmet that fits. You might as well be wearing a tin can.
Why Corey Haim? Why not Michael Damian? Seriously — watch this video. Why NOT Michael Damian? Fuck, why not both of the them? Feldman, get in here too. You’re not getting off that easy! (But your wife is once she feels my magical fingers — call me!)
Why Corey Haim? Why not his “License to Drive” co-star Heather Graham? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s not even a question.
In summary, I know we are all shocked and surprised when a former child actor dies. Whoa, sorry. Correction: we are
never shocked and surprised when a former child actor dies. I’m actually kind of shocked when they turn out normal. Brian Bonsall, we were really worried about you there. Glad you turned out okay.
Huh. Scratch that.
Still, we’ll always have our memories of Corey Haim. Stilted performances in shitty movies for adolescent girls are a legacy to be proud of. It’s too bad you had to sully it with a spectacular decline into narcotics (and apparently cupcake) abuse. Zac Efron, stay away from the needles! I’m trying to think of a sympathetic note on which to end this eulogy. I am actually drawing a blank. I did really think it was funny when I saw how fat he had gotten. The Lost Boys weren’t lost — he ate them. Wait, that’s not sympathetic at all. Hmmm, I have to find something.
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