[atsonicpark]

Nothing. I have everything I want (which isn't much -- some cd's, some movies, a $50 guitar, a $500 car, and a $24 camera); I had it a lot time ago, so I'm constantly giving away and selling all my useless stuff now. I really have no idea what I'm working for. I don't feel any joy or pleasure in having lots of money or being successful. I mean, It's nice to be able to go out and pay for stuff, but I've never felt any sense of inflated self-worth just because people recognize me as a hard worker. I mean, people know I'm someone that "get stuff done", but I don't really care about people's opinions, positive or negative. And I've never been proud of anything I've ever done, since I was taught at a young age that being happy with myself and being content is wrong... even though I know I'm talented in some areas, and more motivated than almost anyone I've met, I still feel like I'm never be happy, and never will be, with myself. Which is probably why I'm so depressed all the time... Come to think of it, the only thing that makes me happy at all is when I make other people happy. So, I guess it's good that I've worked hard and saved my money for the past 7 years of non-stop work so I can buy my girlfriend stuff and we can go out and do things. Of course, I've also given my mom thousands of dollars in the past few years. She has cancer now, but before that, she was just really fucking lazy, sitting around the house for 5 years straight and eating food and mooching off of my stepdad and me. She'd run up credit cards and do all this bullshit, and I'd have to bail her out. It was embarassing in a way but made me feel like I had some worth in life, sometimes, too. It was usually just annoying. She really pissed me off when I found out she forced my name on a credit card (she had my social security number and all other information, so it was easy) in order to buy pills online. Luckily, she didn't ruin my credit, but the way I found out about it recently was pretty shitty. But, yeah, as far as buying myself something, or doing anything for myself -- I really never do, as there's nothing I "want", and I seriously feel like shit if I spend more than $5 on myself. I have to constantly psyche myself into it.. like "okay, I am buying guitar strings.. but this is good, because there are people out there who want to hear me play guitar..." You know? I can only do things for "myself" if I convince myself that someone else will benefit from it. The only thing I enjoy buying for myself is an occasional handful of pain pills -- and it's only because I need those, because of my fucked-up back, and I'm too unmotivated to go to the doctor (don't have insurance either). I often am questioning why I'm working, why I'm doing the things I'm doing.. and I realize it's out of boredom. I don't even care if people think I'm lazy. I don't care what anyone thinks of me... so, yeah, I basically work, at this point, just to do something except sit around the house and be bored. Either way, I'm the only person I know in real life who isn't in debt... so that's kinda neat. Especially when you consider how many of them have had everything handed to them in life, and no one's given me a fucking thing. I can sleep peacefully at night knowing that I usually do the right thing. Maybe that, in itself, is a reward.