Ask Pookie
 

Since i haven't gone out to get the paper yet,i've decided that pookie shall answer all the important and relevant questions concerning my life and so you should too.Here Pookie gives advice on marriage,mortgage,bank loans,girl/boy problems,gayness,sex and the like.So........
Dear pookie,
I'm feeling a bit frisky.What should i do?

Barbara Antonia

London

Dear Pookie,

My toenails are slightly skew-wiff on my left foot. What should I do?

Yours,

Trevor Mellifluous, Hull.

Find a horny Italian, if that's not a tautology.

Dear Pookie,
My bus is always packed in the morning.Should i start using the tube?

Kind Regards

Roger Erogenous

Turnbridge Wells

I think you'll find that's "skew-whiff" Mr. Mellifluous.

And how do you know it's not the right foot's toenails that are in the wrong?

Dear Pookie,

I have a bizarre obsession with a cock-obsessed fictional internet person. Should I let him bum me?

Yours,

Nigella Lawson.

dear pookie,

my mouth is always very dry and i drink lots of water. can you give me any advice as to how to overcome this?

sue gekalois, wrexham.

No


Yes


Why would you want to overcome drinking lots of water?

Dear Pookie,
I've found an old smelly shoe in the attic the other day.Should i flog it or use it for sexual purposes?

Mariella Butt

Wigan

dear pookie,

i'm not even going to try to be funny, i need money, fast.

gill chesterson

sussex

Dear Pookie,

I sometimes like to have ice with my G & T, sometimes not. Should I?

Yours,

Constantine Clarence-Toppington-Smithington, Burnham.

Use it for flogging.


I'm sorry gill, but if you're not even going to TRY to be funny...


Yes you should sometimes & sometimes not.

And while we're at it, go to the beach in Burnham and deflate the fucking bouncy castle that my daughter broke her ankle on.

dear pookie,

i have a terrible rash on the sould of myright foot. its been there for a few months now, any advice?

richard water, leicester.

Dear Pookie,
I cannae find me glasses.Help!

Yours

Retarda Woollenball

East Ham

(this is becoming my favourite thread)

Generally, the longer you've had a rash, the more likely you need to see a doctor if you're concerned about it. Deciding if that mole you've had on your skin for the past twenty years is looking cancerous or not is something you want an expert to do.

Most of the time a rash that has been present for a couple of days will go away on its own. Warning signs that should send you to the doctor sooner rather than later are pain, rapid swelling causing shortness of breath, bleeding blisters in the mouth or eyes, skin that is rapidly turning dusky or black, and large amounts of skin peeling in sheets.

They'll be in the last place you look.

dear pookie,

i have little to no will power; in fact, i can't gather the energies i need to go to the can whenever nature calls. so my question is, should i buy a can of onion soup to piss while watching the telly?

hassan "butch" al-akrut.

cheesequake, new jersey.

Dear Pookie,

I REFUSE TO DIE. Should I do a duet with Robbie Williams?

Yours,

Bono, in space. That's right, space, that's how rich I am, pauper.

dragi pookie i have a problem!

vec dosta dugo nemam curu,nikako nemogu naći ,u depresiji sam ,sta da radim? niko me neće ,zar sam ružan??
pozdrav ! ! ! you must understand that

Dear Pook,
i want to convince my girlfriend of the benefits of anal sex. Now you are an experienced man. What should I do/say?

dear pookie,

i am a real cunt to everyone but in my heart i love every single person dearly. i have problems expresing this. what sould i do?

van morrison, your mums bed.

Croatia has the most wonderful women I have seen. And with wonderful I mean great "balcony". My girlfriend concurs.

hey pookie,

all these years i'm startin' to feel loneley, so i was wondering if it was time to reveal myself to the public again. i want to end those myths about me dying in the can.

shake it baby!

elvis "a picture of me with bigfoot gets you $15 000" presley

danke schoene ,everybody says that croatian are the most beuthiful girl ..maybe... but i saw fucking good italian girls ,,fuck they are wonderful...but stupid!

Get yourself an Edgar Allan


You should, because he also refuses to die.


I do, I do. You're not alone.

What,because perhaps they shunned you?

Dear Pookie,
I haven't decided about my tipple of choice tonight.Any advice?

Regards

Lulu De La Fayette

Dear Pookie.

I'm terribly shy. What's the best way to pursuade Moustachioed Germans to suck my dong in a public toilet?

Yours,

Peter Palimpsest.

Dear Pookie..

10 years ago my husband left me and 5 years ago the kids melted, i've started dating a 48 stone trucker called "Big Al" who spends a lot of time on the road. He swears to me he's true but why do i feel so blue? How can i keep the man when my vagina is drooping about 2 inches from the floor at all times?

Mrs Baggy Box

Sorry, you've entered the wrong website, you need:

www.sexinchrist.com


Don't worry, everybody knows you're a real cunt, you express it very well.


Yes, but come back as cool young elvis please. And be warned:

 

dear pookie,

i have a poisonous snake and fat greasy men fetish, but last time my 400 pound boyfriend, our pet cobra sparkle and me tried to make sweet sweet love, i just couldn't get it up. do you think it has anything to do with the 68 snake bites i have received in my willy and what should i do?

conrad "skinny" ries-myers.

slough

Try this one:

 

Try and stop them.

Dir Pookie, i have a preference for that kind of fellatio pictures, where the fellatricis nose is held by the guy. Is this yet normal?

Gulasch Noir
Vienna

dear pookie,

i have terrible water retention in my ankles, is this due to the menapause?

margaret swathord, hampshire.

Dear pookie....oh,sorry i wanted to drop a line to poochie!


p.s. are you his punk brother?


erwina dementia

That shouldn't be a problem if his name is anything to go by.


Tell your boyfriend to stop biting your willy.

Dear Pookie,

I'm afraid of the sun! Why is it such a cunt? Tell it to fuck off. The fucking bastard.

Graham Nascent.

Dear Pookie,
I have a small willy and the doctor told me that it wont grow any bigger either.I'm 45 years old and have been waiting for some miracles to happen for years to no avail.The choice of remedies is varied but they don't seem to work for me so i'm contemplating the idea of having plastic surgery to have it replaced.Any good words for me?

Yours

Barbarous Zappa

Bora Bora

dear pookie,

i'm an existentialist and i have read the works of the greats and the more obscure thinkers, yet i'm still feeling a little empty on the subject; i've had many a sleepless night trying to figure it out but i just can't stop thinking about it.

so, i ask you, twizzlers or red vines?

ferdinand "barney" chernovetzky.

st. petersburg, russia.