Some golden rules if you are thinking of forming a band
 

Ok,this is just my arrogant,full of myself opinion so i'm not asking you to agree with me and all that but this is what i generally happen to like in bands and i happened to turn them into rules.Just because i can(an owl whispered that into in my ear today):

-If you play onstage don't wear another band's tshirt where it's possible,the risks being that you cheapen the image of your band when(and if it does)it appears on one.
-Avoid gospel choirs as they damage your sound and should only be appreciated inside a beautiful church.
-Whenever you can,try avoiding referencing your influences on the titles of your songs because,as the first rule said,it cheapens the music (if it's not already cheap to start with).This sort of thing rarely works and it subtratcs strength from the song rather than adding to it.
-Ecclectism works rarely in music if there isn't a vision to keep those styles fused subtely together.Or in harmony,so to speak.
Let me think of some more.......

Do pay attention to the sleeves for fuck's sake!They are there to stay so don't go for the graphic fads du jour but for something that will last the test of time.

If you can't play, forget it.

-If you can't play make sure that you have the talent TO MAKE IT WORK!

No shorts onstage!
Do NOT talk to the audience. Then they will know you are a moron.

And if you don't, go fuck a pig, pigfucker.

-The only band that was vaguely allowed shorts onstage was Husker du and that's because there isn't such a thing as democracy.Sorry.

If one of your influences is Frank Zappa, go away.

Another golden rule, If you're in a cover-band make sure you don't play to many different genres. So when you played some SY cover or whatever don't start playing GUNZ N FRIKKIN ROSES or something like that and after that a smashing pumpkins cover... Something you probably figured out yrself. but seriously don't ever do it, stick to a genre.

-If one of your influences is Frank Zappa,be incredibly careful.Apparently there is a rare strain of a lethal virus called Zappopolus Fillus that strikes young bands that way inclined.Just a warning.

-repetition is golden even more than noise.

always bring protection. you never know where those green-haired groupies have been...

lol.

i'm the one in the band, dork.

-Do have older musicians in the band if possible.They are easier to deal with and they get free public transport when they are over 65.

Never fuck the drummer.

Older musicians also know how to play better a lot of the time. And they show up for practice.

-Indeed.And they look cooler because they don't give a toss about looking cool or trying to obscenely please an audience.

-Learn how to give good head if you want to succeed.

If you kick Canstankerass in the head when you're plowing her sweet ass, it causes her butthole to clench up giving you a hotter orgasm.

is it okay to fuck your guitar player?

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The other side of this is that older musicians are nearly always stuck in their boring ways. Most younger people are stuck in their boring ways, but at least they have the courtesy to ocassionally be heroically crap at it.

My golden rule is either play with very, very talented people or people who can't play at all. It's the imbetweeners (ie, nearly everyone) who are the troublemakers.

-Do fuck whoever you want to fuck.If the music is shite it wont change a thing anyway.

Only if you're plowing his sweet ass with a dildo.

try again.

O RLY? will you star in the next lillith fair?

Only if you're plowing his sweet ass with a dildo..

-Do avoid swear words in your lyrics.They are cheap as fuck and wont make you come accross as tougher in any possible way.

Actually, I've changed my mind - If you're thinking of forming a band, don't. Go out and get a job and a decent hobby. Don't whatever you do form a band, you're probably shit and don't have any ideas. The fact that there are some very few bands that aren't shit is merely an anomaly inexplicable to human minds.

best advice i've heard in years.

Now wait a minute.


I'd have a problem with rule number one.

Never fuck the instruments.

girls: WAX.

Please refrain from saying "We have CDs/LPs/T-shirts for sale at the merch table" whilst onstage.

EVERYBODY KNOWS. We all have product for purchase.
The merch table is right there in front of our eyes.

Of course, this can all be avoided by adherence to my "no talking to the audience" rule.
A "Thank You" at the end of your set is acceptable. That's just good manners.

girls: rip out your tampon mid set and verbally assault the crowd.

unless they are used sparingly (as in one time every 10 songs)

boys, if you are in a band with girls, halfway through your last number...rip off her shirt and then pull out your wang and piss in her mouth.

girls, stand on the drum riser, bend over and fart in your drummers face.

the most important rule, just have fun.

never have only 1 influence, it makes you a ripoff band

I do think it's okay to wear band shirts or claim influences. If it cheapens the music, then at least you're being honest about it. I'm not going to go onstage, pull a Thurston move, and then pretend like it was mine.

The swearing thing I actually agree with. There are only a few swear words. If you have to use one in every line, pick up a copulating thesaurus, for rut's sake. They're fine in moderation, though.

My two rules are: If the name of a song is something generic like "The Wrath of Hell" or "Sadness," please refrain from actually saying the name of the song onstage. Or ever. It detracts from the value of the song by approximately 68%.

And if your singer feels the need to cuss for no reason between songs and act like a badass because he's nervous, punch him in the face. Seriously. That would be incredible, and everyone would admire you for it.

-Acknowledge people's opinions but carry on doing what you intended to do regardless.People form bad bands therefore they can be as disposable as them.