patience
 

how do you find it when you need it?

my usual coping skills have left me.

I am in a state of high-flux, with the inability to even begin to think about where I am going to take myself, until time has passed.

I leave for australia to meet the one I love in less than three weeks. my only activities are working out, art and milking time from old job as I can (the ability to do even that is becoming and less and less as time goes by).

I am in a "strange" city (old/new) with no friends, I do not get high and I am trying not to spend money.

silly worries haunt me like never before. maybe they aren't so silly, but worry doesn't serve me right now, and I need to become more calm, focused and, well, happy.

what should I do? or rather, what would you do?

I can't promise to take yr advice, but there's a few clever people around here, so I figured that it couldn't hurt.

ps: the first person to post a Guns 'n Roses video will get neg-repped by every user-name I possess. thanks.

I want to say something awesome, bud. I just don't know what. Seriously. Maybe write things down? Maybe that would help sort things out for you -- to see all yr thoughts on a page? Then try to organize them on another page? Literally sort things out. I don't know. I probably suck at this, but hope you're taking care of yrself.

go for a long walk everyday, find a spot in nature and relax in it for an hour. then you will realise all this hippie calm shit and your poverty and material needs will not seem so constricting. seriously this is still a good idea. go walk in a park or nature.

eat specific food. cook some fresh fish with green veg. also eat almonds and nuts. all these can be gotten cheap and will calm you down.

relax and don't try to do everything. in fact try to do nothing for a while. then when you are ready you can start packing/throwing out stuff you no longer need.

go for a swim in the pool.

I've done that so many times, at least, in lists of things I know that I need to improve/work on. I am VERY proactive, but time is an enemy. it needs to go away. there's either too much or too little of it. I worry that I'll completely short-circuit very soon.


I walk 10km a day, although not so much in nature. I've considered going to the beach, but the goth in me really doesn't like the sun all that much. maybe I should.

I pretty much only eat healthy (except for occasional treat of mexican food).

every physical possession I own is in the corner of this room in which I'm sitting. I'm down to below-bare-minimum as far "stuff" goes. comics, music, treasured books and clothes are about all that I have left.

everything that I can think to do costs money. I want a tattoo. I want to go to disneyland. I might go to the beach....and eat fish. I need a haircut (gasp). I feel so wound up that I just end up sleeping.

about the only near-term thing I have to look forward to is Brian Jonestown Massacre next week.

I need to learn how to "not do" and be happy.

any ideas on how to place one's self into two week coma?

Musems?

yes, and there's plenty of them here. I was hoping to save that as an activity with the girl, but do want to go.

I guess my problem isn't all that clear, nor do I think that anyone can help me but myself.

I'm not at a lack of ideas what to do, but all those things cost money that I haven't wanted to spend. I think in the interest of staying sane, I need to give up on this saving money notion and spend knowing that it's buying me time and ability to happiliy continue in the direction in which I wish to go. I might also need to quit milking this job, as that requires that I sit here, pushing buttons and waiting for msn to go off. not bad for what I'm paid, but I think maybe I have valued money too much. ... sorry for rambling. as you can see, I'm a mess.

HOW DO I LEARN HOW TO BECOME PATIENT? maybe I can't....

you've got your computer so there's no excuse. surf the web, find some new game to play on your computer, find a different forum to chat on or go trolling. ;^) There's also Hulu and other movie and tv channels out there.
If you hate the job then take a hike, if you don't mind the job then stay because at this point it at least fills up some part of your day.

What happened to girlgun?

Serenity Now!

Yes, what DID happen to her?

I, quite unintentionally, leave curses in my wake.

currently, girlgun, as well as her entire city, are experiencing the curse of water. this is not to say that I've cursed her directly, although some may argue that point too.

air, earth and fire have all been previously cast; only void remains.

I am a walking hex, a cracked vessel, a broken creation and a messenger of woe.

I've always found that sitting down in public is good. Particularly if there's an area with a lot of genuinely homeless people (as opposed to villainous crack-heads), who'll usually be happier after a chat than if you just give them money. You'll find that a lot of homeless people are more interesting than your average person. Of course, this is usually because human tragedy is more interesting than masked failure.

This should have a secondary function of bringing your current anxieties into repose - listening to other people, their problems, can often make your current concerns not so much lessened as communal. You know you're not going to see these people again, and it's surprising the candour you can acquire from strangers.

The more prosaic option is to tie up the loose-ends early - we all know there's something you'll only remember at the last moment. Have you called your family? Is there an old colleague you really should say goodbye to? These sort of things only come up once you've stopped worrying about the more practical things, unless of course you're a prize procrastinator. On this tip, is there anyone you've always wanted to ring up and call a cunt? Now's the perfect opportunity, as you know you won't see them again. Obviously, you're moving on, but there's a chance that bitterness about that one guy may go with you - get rid of it, in one great bridge-burning gesture.

You could start writing - you're moving on; is there anything you want to remember? Not the big things - they never leave you - but those little moments that make you laugh, like a duck falling over in a park or a comically-shaped fruit. Maybe you'll never see another packet of Doritos - cherish those comical Doritos. Write them down. You never know who might be interested in future.

If you're worrying a lot, try and think about why you're worrying, rather than fretting about the state of worry. This is hard advice - we all get more interested in the panic than the cause of the panic. Again, writing down a list of everything that's worrying you may help - and then write a list of everything you're looking forward to. You'll probably find that, once written down, your worries aren't as bad as you think. They may even seem even more silly. Remember, it's fine to be anxious - that's natural - but you know you're moving on to somewhere that'll make you happier.

Patience is a virtue, say the Christians. They may not have everything right, but being patient is something that some of us never learn. Think of this as the last time you'll really have to be patient - if necessary, say to yourself 'I'm going to enjoy this anxiety'.

Did you ever want to learn French, or read about Engineering? In a couple of weeks, you could easily read quite a lot about this. Your public library is probably better stocked than you imagine, and if you're concentrating on something like that, you'll find you're worrying less. I'd suggest something practical, rather than something intellectual - it's easier to put your mind at ease when you're keeping yourself busy.

Most of all, remember - this might be the last chance you get to see America. Try and enjoy it! It's your home-country, and it'll always be a big part of your identity.

I wish you all the best!

ps - FUCK YOU

I'm quite certain that this isn't my last chance to see america, at least, my current visa doesn't say so.

unless, of course, america is swallowed up by a great black void upon my departure, which is, honestly, quite possible.

ps- thanks. you helped. I'd tell you how much I appreciate you in public, but instead,
please twat off now.

brb - logging over for a bit of neg-repping.

fucking hell. it's times like these that I wish I hadn't neg repped glice so often.

can someone else help me out with that g'n'r link?

thanks.

go to the beach. get sunbaked. read some long and difficult books: war and peace, proust's in search of time lost, that kind of thing. and work out-- maybe yoga, maybe jog, something that releases endorphins. also, you could try meditation. there are a few zen centers in hellay, and this guy is a 102 year old zen master that actually teaches in your area (he's a bit fragile, but he's got good minions): http://www.mbzc.org/teacher.php4

barring all that, a prescription for klonopin should work like a charm.

...little patience, mm yeah, ooh yeah,
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more pati... (ence, yeah)

ps, for anyone who thinks that I'm kidding...

I could also link you to Wichita Falls, Mt. St. Helens and several nasty earthquakes, but I'd rather you go on thinking that I'm just goth, and not, say, the antichrist.

thanks.

yes, maybe this.



think I already do too much of this.


I need to try this.


I think that getting high would make me worse. I need to be more grounded, while being less hyper-focused.


---

most of all, I'm afraid that my behavior could taint my relationship with the girl I love. I'm a nutjob under normal circumstances, sure, but the self-imposed stress is making me even more so.

I love her, and do not wish to push her away because of my tendency to want to self-destruct or pull away. I'm trying to be the best person that I can be, while recognizing that I still have lots of work.

right...

I'm starting OPERATION:FLOATSLOWER by clocking out of this illusionary job, taking a quick shower and going to best buy to pick of some dvds for a miyazaki marathon.

perhaps tomorrow I'll go to venice.

klonopin doesn't make you high-- it's a mild anti-anxiety that's not addictive because it's not fast-acting. it just generally calms you down.

you could also go on a water fast & kick caffeine. after 3 days of headaches you'll be clear-headed & calm. no workouts during that period though.

honestly, caffeine might have a lot to do with it.

I only drank one cup of coffee in the morning for a few weeks, and then quit completely....and that might be the point where I started to melt down.

I then overdosed the next day and went the complete opposite direction. I wanted to blame insanity, and stress (because I love caffeine) but maybe that's not helping AT ALL.

why no working out? really? 3 days? gah


that said, I've never had a problem before, and I used to mainline that shit...

first and foremost you must stay grounded and in contact and communication with the Source of Life. Without it, all the flux and motion of the universe will overwhelm your perceptive abilities and bring about chaos. personally, I smoke a lot of herb to slow down life and live in real time as close as possible, after all the endocannibanoid system is designed to aid the mind in prioritizing income sensory perception and to forget unnecessary things like the million faces you see a day, and so herb is perfect to continue this process. As Bob said, "When you smoke herb it reveals you to yourself."

so

a) stay in touch with your inner source, after all god(s) himself endures the same troubles

b) force a smile or two and stay exceptionally busy with a lot of people interaction, this keeps the spirit flowing and keeps the mind off of too much introspection and worrying.

b) smoke some weed

I "gave up" weed months ago, but some of it might not be a bad idea at this point. I'd rather chill the fuck out than give up on everything.

the people interaction has been at a minimum, and I'm not sure what god has to say in all of this.

ps: yr pm's are full. ethiopian food sounds good to me. my treat. I don't leave until July 2nd, but my schedule is open until then.

oh it was just an idea. caffeine tends to make me jittery. i know you used to mainline that shit but that was probably what kept you going in a depressing situation.

caffeine withdrawal can mimic depression though. same symptoms. i think a lot of people self-medicate depression with caffeine.

anyway, why not working out, you ask-- if you do a WATER fast, it's a shock to your system and you'll feel restless and you don't wanna strain your immune system by breaking down protein and then not replenishing it.

i'm not saying do that-- i'm saying if you do, you need to do it while resting.

suchfriends will probably vouch for the effectiveness of fasts to clarify the brain-- it's not for everyone however, you need to plan and execute it correctly or you can hurt yourself.

oh, so yr saying not to eat, but only drink water.

that might be hard. my hair is already coming out too fast for it's own good.

I'm already in shock, and I think it's made my mental status go for the worse.

besides, ethiopian food sounds mighty good.


that said, just bought Howl's Moving Castle, Nausicaa (dvds) and Ponyo (on blu-ray/dvd) for an attempt at peaceful moments.

oh. then just find some good pills. sweet sweet sweet pills.

and mainline again dude.

i'd say go to nevada & consort with whores but i know you not into that shit-- ha!

oh i gotta go game is back.

Oh hi. I'm right here.

Hello, girlgun.

wowza. the plot thickens.

it's a thick plot for sure, but i wish floating space nothing but happiness.

nice of you!

seriously.

Hello.

ps- rob asks if you're seeing someone

hey genteel.

yeah symbol guy. i'm classy ass bitch fo sho. the internets are not the place to hash out shit or look for anything other than a smart ass remark, as you well know.

if only! i already know rob has got a hot bitch.

nice people stay nice.

you are. and i do.


yes, but if there's someone who could tempt him, that'd be you, ha ha ha!

nic... i'm far too nice, although a doomsdayer.... learned my lessons well. as i said, i've got nothing but nice things to say. except about the freakshow on jeopardy right now. i'm not down with his leather blazer. or his facial hair style.

symbol guy... rob is all talk. he's just a sweet, good boy.

so are we all! -- words on a screen.

anyway, gotta get off the interwebs-- i hope you're well, etc.