You big girl's blouse.

Definitely do nothing.

Better still, a variation on The Golden Shot.

Because what's the alternative?

Mos definitely def.

Knuckle sandwich?

Dear Pookie,

Did you grandmother really used to say this? Why?

Yours
Prince Harry of Windsor

dear pookie,

i was thinking of getting a mail order bride. russian or thai?

lester cribbins, setaon carew.

Your question was long and wordy, so I removed some words, to get to the crux. And the answer is a categorical, Go for it!

Are you questioning my old grandmother's wisdom?

Why shouldn't I? You should hear some of the things people say about my gran.

All the best,
Hazza.

As my old grandmother used to say, "Don't go russian to thai the knot". Oh, how we would laugh.

Dear Pookie,

What's the best way to prevent spoilage when preserving a brain in a jar?

My collection of brutal dictators is starting to smell a little gamey (despite the deep freeze).

Taxidermically Puzzled,

The Shaw of Antarctica

dear spookie:

i have been contemplating this for the past couple of days; since keith said he snorted his dad, i have been wanting to do the same. should i go for it as fast as i can?

yours sincerely

johnny depp

dear spookie:

if it itches, is it a message from jesus telling me to slaughter all the neighborhood cats?

dean ferguson

dear pookie,

when washing off blood from your car, whats better a pressure washer or a ordinary mit?

sincerely,
Lord Alibaski

Talking of cursing mutes:

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms, but has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and can't see the condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, he finally unzips his trousers, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five pound note next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his trousers, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

No! Snort your own dad's ashes.

Dear Pookie

Seeing as it is easter and my grandparents haven't seen me in a while, do you think they'll send me some money???

Are we talking jock itch here? If so, it's Jesus telling you to take a bath. Slaughtering all the neighbourhood cats will only exacerbate the problem.

Why can't you be satisfied with an egg like all the other kiddies.

No, I'm an asshole.

Mit for the blood, pressure washer for the gore.

Harsh.

Dear Pookie,

I've noticed that the interviewees featured in various documentaries on me have atrocious hairstyles, seemingly having failed to update themselves beyond my heyday. I fear this lessens their credibility as witnesses, and therefore makes a mockery of my work. Is there any way to redeem myself?

Yours,

The Enfield Poltergeist

Dear Pookie,

On a related topic of staleness, why is it when crunchy breads such as crackers go stale, they get soft, while soft breads like wheat sandwich bread goes stale, they get hard? What does going stale really mean?

Unregretfully yours,
Igor Wakhevitch

Stale bread!? Maybe in your philistine, burger-munching country. But in the civilized world, croutons are, lightly fried, seasoned cubes of bread.

Or the healthier option is to bake them in the oven. Try this recipe for garlic croutons:

Preheat the oven to 200 C.

Trim the crusts from some bread then cut into small cubes.
Put some olive oil and crushed garlic in a bowl. Season with a pinch of salt and a generous amount of freshly ground black pepper. Mix well.
Transfer the garlicky oil into a shallow dish. Add the bread cubes and gently mix by hand until the croutons are well coated. The croutons must now be cooked immediately.
Place the garlic croutons on a baking tray and cook for ten minutes. Leave the garlic croutons to cool then place in an airtight container and store in the fridge - they'll keep for a day or two.

Enjoy!

Bread gets hard because it loses moisture.

Biscuits get soft because they absorb moisture from the air, but then they lose most of their internal moistures and will go hard.

It's not you who needs to redeem yourself; don't blame yourself for other's mistakes.

People will see beyond these obvious oversights and your work will rise above any fashion atrocities.

Dear Pookie,

I live in America, and while it definately has it's problems, I'm at best comfortable here. Would I move to Europe in a heartbeat? In a heartbeat. But until I have the freedom to move into a decent flat, I'm fine just staying in my apartment. But that being said, why are Americans so stubburn when it comes to forms of measurement? The metric system is far superior. How many millimeters in a centimeter? 10. How many centimeters in a meter? 100. How many meters in a kilometer? I don't know for sure, but I am assuming 100. But our system, with 12 inches in a foot, 3 feet and a yard, 5280 feet in a mile... I don't know, you would just think somebody would let down their American pride for a moment to switch to the much more simple system. Is there anything we can do about this?

With an appropriate amount of love,
Mr. O'leary

Metric system? Are you crazy!?

$2!...For a bag of stale bread!

Reading between the lines, this is what you're trying to say I think.

Leave now. I've had a meeting with the other UK board members, and we've managed to organise for you a job, home, wife, pet springer spaniel, pipe, slippers, and premium bonds.

Good luck with your new life.

Dear Pookie,

I have a dilemna, I appear to only have two cheeses available to eat. One is Camembert and the other is stilton. Should I go and buy more or should I just eat what I have. I adore having variety (at least more than two types of something), but am also a lazy 45 yr old internet stalker. I love your haircut.

Mervin James Wilhite Groustler

I went to a French market this weekend and bought a variety of cheeses: you can't have too many.

On that subject, a prize if you recognise which racist said this:

"The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language."

And why can't internet stalkers be 20 years old sex pots once in a while?

Dearest Pookie?

Why was George Lucas allowed to make those damn Star Wars prequels? And which coffee brand is your favourite?

Yours expectantly

Melly

I'm sorry, I promise I will get to this one.

He told the staff he was just leaving the nursing home to go and get some milk. The next thing they knew, he'd returned clutching some round metal tins, muttering and dribbling.

Mellow Birds of course.:)

dear pookie,

why do good things happen to bad people?

bob, uleskelf.

Dear Pookie,

Do fries go with that shake?

Yours confusedly

Melly