Hey Pookie,
Wanna see my boobs?

Sheena
Croydon

Hey Pookie,

My sex addiction is driving my relationship to the edge of a meltdown, What kind of things should my boyfriend do to satisfy my needs?

Sex-ahollic Slurp.

Dear Pookie,

Will I ever be able to find my virginity?

Loose Goose
West Hollywood.

Pookie,

How are people supposed to cope with life when you don't answer their questions?

If you don't start giving some answers soon I'm gonna invade your ass, and then you'll be sorry.

Regards,
George W Bush, esq

Pookie,

I will, you know. Don't you start thinking that the UN will protect you, 'cos I don't listen to a word they say.

Regards,
George W Bush, esq

Pookie,

Don't be worryin' 'bout' no beef from that playa-hata Bush. I got you back, yo. Keep it real, kna'm'sayin'?

Yours,

Kim Jong-il.

Pookie,

This is your final warning. You've had the mild virus, if you don't answer these peoples' questions it's gonna be the real hardcore one.

Regards,
George W Bush, esq

Baubles.

Yes, it's just moved.

Is the offer still open?

Have him bring some friends to share the load.

It'll be where you left it.

People coped before I came along, albeit in a sadder and more ignorant form

Y aye man.

I don't mean to be a stereotypical man about this, but MILD. You should have seen the projectile vomiting.

Dear Pookie,
i've been selling me arse since i was 19 but now i find myself tired of this profession and i want to choose a different career.Do you have any advice for me?I can't read,i can't write and i generally don't have much of an interest for anything apart from taking it up the bum.

Kind Regards

Bunny boy Oh Boy

I think it's important to keep your private and work life separate. If you enjoy the bum action, then don't spoil it by making it into a chore.

Consider a career that will satisfy you but won't encroach onto your leisure pursuits.

I've sent you a few leaflets which should help you when deciding which career would be best for you.

Good luck.

Dear Pookie,

I recently discovered that the world is flat. And I've been trying to cope with it. Is there anything I can do to make this easier to cope with?

Thanks
Blonde Simpson

DON'T go too near the edge.
DON'T attempt to sail round the world.
DON'T tell ANYBODY else what you've discovered.
DON'T handle any sharp implements.
DON'T drink from bottles labelled:

 

DO stay hidden in a cupboard during daylight hours.

Dear Pookie,

No-one remembers who I am! What do I do?

Thanks,
Matt LeBlanc

I know exactly what you mean. No one told you life was gonna be this way, your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A. It's like you're always stuck in second gear, when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year. You're still in bed at ten, but work began at eight. You burned your breakfast, so far things are going great. Your mother warned you there'd be days like these.

So get a grip man. You're lucky to have ever had an acting career. Now go be a plumber like you were meant to be.

Pookie,

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Pookie again."

Why does that keep happening? Why do I have to keep on repping stuff that isn't really repworthy just so that I can rep the people I really want to rep?

Regards,
Anonymous

The first two of the Four Noble Truths I think hold the explanation:

1 Everything in life is painful. There is no way to avoid pain. Nothing in life is ever good enough.
2 The reason for this pain is our desires. We want more and more, so we feel pain.

The solution is in the next two, but I require payment in advance to reveal them.

dear pookie , how can we kill our desires?is there an alternative to death or
shizophrenia ?

fake pookie, is there an alternative of death ? i mean your own!

dear pookie, will you go out with my mate (below).

if not, i wanna no why.

Sorry, I think you need the 'Ask porkmarras' thread.

http://www.sonicyouth.com/gossip/sho...ght=porkmarras

Dear Pookie,

You are the man.

Slovenly Burnishings, Hampton-On-The-Rye.

dear spookie:

whenever i wake up every monday morning, i feel like it's not worth it, i really would like to find the 'magic' of life again; it's not the same being a paid assassin in a rut, you know? so what do you suggest?

"tiger fang"
whereabout unknown (letter held with a dagger, delivered on spookie's pillow)

Dear Pookie,

I just did a fart, and a bit of runny poo came out. Should I murder my father for his sins?

Yours,

Terence Cohen.

No, Slovenly, YOU are the man, I insist.


I refer you:



Terence did a runny poo,
He should have done it in the loo,
He's got a pain in his tummy,
But don't blame his mummy,
His father's at fault somehoo.

Dear Pookie,

Why is gmku being such a little bitch about my sarcastic comments regarding 'empty nest' syndrome? Has he something up his arsehole?

Sir Hayden Asche.
Indie-ass internet cafe.

Just remember, friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Nice English spelling of arsehole by the way.

Thank you. I was trying to type it so it is easier for you to understand.

dear spookie:

i have a keyboard stuck in my rectum ever since 1999, i was trying to unite my interests in bestiality and electronic music to get the most pleasure out of both; ever since then i feel no joy out of things and i tend to do awful music because of that; the real problem is that i really like it, what should i do?

moby
somewhere swanky
new york

I sense mixed emotions here. On one hand you say "I feel no joy out of things" and the next "I really like it".

Or is it that you get pleasure out of being unhappy perhaps?

You should be content that you are the cause of great pleasure around the world, and just think how quiet TV adverts would be if you weren't making such a great sacrifice.

Oh...and mind where you sit.

Dear Pookie,
What is the best remedy to battle inter-galactic aliens in the bathroom?

Paranoid Theorist
Locked in the Bath.

Play them this:

 

They hate it if you don't take them seriously.

Dear Pookie,

I recently discovered that I was the unborn child of Courtney Love and Billy Corgan, can you help me find a solution to deal with this attrocity?

Sincerly,
Drug Induced Child of Despicable People.

pookie, why do my feet smell?