Sorry to be pedantic and correct your spelling Monnie, but I think that should be slapping centre, in which case, just move inside the slapping centres.

Pookie,

I asked Porkmarras a question and he hasn't answered it. What should I do?

Busted fan,
Lower Buttfuck

dear pookie,

i am really sorry for what i done in the past but they just wont believe me. what advice can you give?

peter sutcliffe, broadmoor.

porkmarras says:
I have now.Can we be a little patient?EH?

I think he's got you on ignore.

Unfortunately, I've started charging and need payment in advance if you want me to answer your query.

Do you accept unfranked used postage stamps as payment?

Just tell them that the problem is that we are commanded to forgive and failure to forgive is a sin. We may treat failure to forgive lightly, but God warns us that it hinders our prayers.

If forgiveness is dependent on feelings, isn’t that unjust, because God cannot condemn us for our feelings. Our feelings flow from our thoughts and actions.

So many people say that they cannot do things because it doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel love for my wife and therefore I will leave her. The Bible says: Think what’s right and do what’s right and the right feelings may follow. Never use feelings as the sole basis for moral decision.
Let me know how you get on.

No, chocolate coins only please.

Dear Pookie,
I work in a call centre and occasionally i feel i like barking into the phone at random people.Do you think this the right career for me?

Regards
Rotonda Johnson
Crowborough

You must spread some compliments for BEST BUMPING POST EVER around before giving it to porkmarras again.

Try the animal sex line. They're desperate for people like you.

Pookie is an oracle of the highest order.

dear spookie:

people in my school tell me i smell of cheese, and whenever i wonder into a mcdonald's they think i'm stealing quarter pounders; can you recommend an effective and merciless preferrably medieval weapon with which i can vanquish my enemies?

rod littlejohn-whitman
bath

Rod,

I think for close-quarter combat, you could do a lot worse than the mace. A mace is a club-like weapon made of wood or steel. Blows from a mace can kill or break the bones of a knight (or school chum) wearing mail armour (or carrying a satchel). The mace was favoured by clerics (and school children)who were not allowed to carry weapons with blades (or sharpened pencils). Odo of Bayeux apparently used a mace during the Battle of Hastings.

dear spookie:

whenever i leave home, i begin to feel the earth sucking me to it's center and burning with the fires of hell with the darkness of a thousand nights. so, should i use red or pink bows around my hair while strolling around the park? you need to look lovely for when you are screaming bloody hell at the top of your lungs.

gwendoline wakeford
hull

Dear Pookie,
I've been trapped in a bus full of twats on my way home.I swear,everyone was so packed like sardines we could only stare at each other like twats.Is this normal?

Yours
Jim 'Jim' John

Whitechapel

Pookie, long time fan, first time asker!!!
What should I do with myself?

This is a mistake that tormented souls often make. Hair bows are sooo last season, it's the Victoria Beckham bob for those about to enter the fiery pits of hell.

It's perfectly normal for twats to stare like twats.

Dear Pookie, I loved you, but now I am not so sure!!!
Why haven't you answered my question yet!!?? (crying)