-Do avoid talking about UFOs in your interviews.For Christ's sake you are not Sun Ra,stick that into your thick head!

-Be japanese in some way or another.Either that or come from anywhere but the western world(ok ok.This might be pushing it a bit but you get my point).

Don't take off your shirt unless your ^

Feel free to ignore all previous advice - Julian Cope has spent years doing all the things that have been listed here as "don't do", and he is as cool as hell.

-Have mercurial carachters in the band and as many pisceans as possible.

-He's the exception though.Last time i've checked there was still no sight of people being born as cool as Julian Cope.

Don't pull down your pants to show us your ass. Nobody wants to see
your klingons.

There is no excuse for wearing a hat onstage. Even if you are bald and a member of U2.

And if you are playing outside on a bright sunny day, that's still no excuse. If you don't have a pair of sunglasses to wear, you're obviously not cool enough to be in this rock 'n' roll game.

-Have plants on stage.Tropical plants.

-And rythmic movement to the sound of your own music should be as minimal as the size of your small balls for thinking of it.

Even if it's true, don't tell the crowd that they're ignorant twats.

Art is the key, therefore learn the art of dodging projectiles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgLYM...ch=silverchair

Avoid free gigs in Trafalgar Square.And i fucking mean this!It's free for a reason and that reason being because it's rubbish.

Never thank the public for coming to see you and don't ask them for requests.

-In fact overcharge the audience whenever it's possible(assuming you are sure enough that your music is that good).

Restrain your mouth from saying that your influences are:
1)Nelson Mandela
2)Jesus
3)Satan
4)John Lennon

The erroneous part of saying that is that they are all a bunch of cunts.

Now now, Porkmarras. Let's not say stuff we can't take back.

- Have your merch and door charge cheap, as there's enough corporate fuckers in the world as it is. And take a page (leaf or note?) out of the Brian Jonestown Massacres book, and NEVER LET THE CORPORATE BEAN COUNTERS ON THE DOOR - ALWAYS MAKE THEM PAY TO SEE YOU.

Wearing glitter is a no no!!

-Let a five year old produce your first album.

Has anyone actually ever did that? Or you were just forewarning?