Creative people are cursed with depression but blessed with the ability to create where others can only dwell. Right on, go create!

hey, fenix, congrats on the job you. you've beated the worldwide economic slump. be fucking proud of yourself.

so.

dead air, you fuck, leave the son at the mom and fly to your canadian hottie. unless she is only a mirage but fuck how would you find out if not in person? attack! attack!-- as erase errata would say.

no rilly, rilly rilly. even if it doesn't pan out it's good times. do it for that facts sakes.

oh and DO NOT hang out with the ex or you'll end up fucking her in rhythm and sorrow as bjork would have it. right??? divorces suck hence a clean break is teh win.

this reminds me of the squid and the whale for some reason.

best wishes whatever you're doing-- even if it's just falling asleep before the teevee. no matter what, till victory as patti smith would say.

You drunk mother fucker haha!

doped up on sleep meds/meds for my back pain/meds for my stomach pain, listening to cocteau twins, and wondering why i haven't passed out yet.

drunk on red wine. trying to go to sleep early. film shoot tomorrow, weather permitting.

symbol man, your advice is sound, though currently undoable. I have this job, that I really want to keep, no money, and no leave. so I will save the last two and if the very real Canadian dream girl hasn't already found somebody more physically present, then I'll certainly visit and see if all these fantasies pan out. she probably will, but maybe if she does it will crash before then too.

I'm not going to leave my son for any significant length of time though.

no worries about me drifting back to the ex. no desire on my part whatsoever. seems weird that I can't even speak to her for any length of time, but that' how it is. she just called and told me she's moving because her roommate was demanding. I said, "I told you so" and then apologized for saying it. she's moving back to the neighborhood, which brings my son closer, so cool, I guess.

friendo: fuuuck! i'd donate a pint of blood in honor of your internet affair. let's stage a fundraiser.

but no-- best wishes man--- i hope you are soon within pouncing distance-- goodspeed

watching the grateful dead movie and burning one

my hangover came back. i hurt. everywhere.

going to bed.


g'night

listening to one Nirvana video after another and trying so damn hard not to finish this bottle of wine. also chatting to Canada while she fights with her family. life is really ok, I suppose.

I liike the blood drive angle! Maybe just because "Paper Cuts" is up now.

I may be in the wrong thread tooo...

I need to turn on bleach, sounds like a plan.

I just finally told off my stalker today and it feels great! She should be out of my life for awhile now.

Also just talked to my ex for the first time in alittle while, and found out what it means for the first time that "we never split because we were never together"...even when we only fucked eachother for 3 months and spent almost every other day together and went on road trips and did all the things you do when you're "together" with someone.

It's pretty freeing though, to finally hear that though, I could care less if we are still friends ever again and it's pretty freeing. Thanks for the 3somes 'darling'. haha


You won't hear me bitching or pining for this girl again, I'm sure you're all releived haha

my back hurts like a motherfucker. wtf did I do?

enjoying a nice high while listening to some live sy

working two jobs tomorrow. fuck

watching jenna jameson on oprah. i love her.

How many facelifts has she had?

i had a chance to meet jenna jameson once, and didn't. story of my life.

why didn't you?

honestly? laziness

listening to ZZ Top playing TUSh while waiting to ensure that a video conference training session goes off without a hitch.

Listening to Philip Jeck, editing photographs and drinking coffee.

dang, how can you be lazy about something like that? was like a chance to properly hang out, or a like more of a polite introduction and that's it?

It would've been to properly hang out. Well not properly properly, but yeah, more than a meet and greet.

drinking hot chocolate


that's a meet and mount, and you let it go?

look at my signature. yeah.

no, it definitely wasn't a meet and mount. my gf at the time was doing her makeup.

damn! but there's always roofies! and... threesomes! and... VD, lots of VD!

wowza.

actually im not too crazy about her. contrary to what my internet persona would have you believe, i'm more for sensuality & eroticism in film than outright whoredom. in other words, monica bellucci is the mythical goddess of my movie testicles, and i'd kill to smell her neck, whereas meeting jenna jameson would be more of an anthropological curiosity. but i know you're a porn fiend so i'm sorry you didn't get to meet her. drack.

i dunno, she's like 35, probably none. i don't care, i still think she's beautiful although she looked a bit too tan on the tv today.



right now i'm sitting here pretty upset trying to calm myself down.

Eating a very good homemade burrito and nodding with satisfaction that I didn't bite on the exes' offer for soup and a chance to see my son who misses me. Of course my son does miss me, but a trap is a trap, and I get him for several days very soon.

Oh...is she trying to keep you from splitting?

good man, and good kung-fu.

nah, but she's hit a pretty desperate point. she's going to go back to stripping, so I suppose going back to me probably wouldn't be particularly more repugnant in some ways. I'm sure she just thinks she's trying to be "friendly", but I don't want any emotional involvement with her at all. not now anyway, maybe in a few years, but not when I need to protect myself in so many ways.

It sounds like you two have been here before.

actually, yeah, when we first started dating 8 years ago, we broke up for a bit and I just got on with my life and she called me up just as I was considering fucking somebody who was giving me lots of free weed and wasn't a bad fuck aside from the neediness. soon, "I was thinking maybe we could talk sometime", had turned into, "I was thinking we could snuggle sometime..." and the rest was history. funny, because it makes me nostalgic to remember that, and if she was actually that girl, I'd actually fall right into it. but I don't think she really is. that girl has been devoured entirely by the psychic vampire that now lives in her body, and we all know how vampires have that power to make the same voices and even emotional sounds as the beautiful people they have inhabited. I had lots of garlic in my burrito tonight.

Ha, sounds like it'll take more than just garlic. Maybe some dark rum.

Thats a strange idea....its one thing to aspire to being this "ideal" person (by our own standards) and deal with the struggle of whether that is possible or an illusion or not, to deal with the realization that maybe underneath you are really just you, again and again, and not uh, burt reynolds or something. It's even stranger to recognize that ideal in another person. How an entire reality has been made based off of..illusions? You have a beautiful son, that is definitely real, so it cant be all bad.

It's not all bad. It's not even that bad. Plenty of people in the world have real problems. I do have a beautiful son, and I just ate a wonderful burrito, and I get carded in the grocery store at 42. I'm really not bitching and whining. My facts sound harder to other people than they feel to me actually.

I really don't want an ideal in another person, I've lived a bit too long to seek or expect that. Other people are fun at best, and that's not trying to sound like Henry Miller, but just expectations tempered by experience. Love is a type of fun, and it runs out same as any other, though it can be blinding while it's hot.

That doesn't mean we should put up with stupid shit from other people indefinitely though. Sure they don't have to be perfect, but at some point, less than perfect can turn into waaaay less. The hard part is when they're still really good in bed or at holding you when life hurts.

No, you dont come across like youre bitching and/or whining about your situation. Its just...your situation.

From experience I've really come to have very little expectations for the bonds of others. The best relationships come up just off of whatever works, basically.

Yeah, you just gotta watch out for getting financially tangled in a future. Easy to do because the gambles pay bigger with twice the ante. But so do the losses.

I just got off work, now I'm sitting around, getting ready to wash some laundry in a few, hoping that my friend comes through on the 1/8th we've been trying to get for days.

Hittin that chron son!

new animal collectively

going to go take a hot bath and climb into bed. cold trying to catch me, but I have too much to accomplish for that to happen!