Dear Avril,

Sorry

DR666

I think Sonny received this message by mistake.

Dear Kurt Cobain,

What is it like in hell?

Yours Synth.

Dear Madonna,

I would really like to know what happened on that flight to Heathrow the other day. I hear that you refused the luxury blanket and asked for a 'normal' one.

Are you Madge?

Yours,
sarramkrop

Dear Konnie Huq,

Please ignore this fool, he can't even spell your name right. You know that I am the one for you. Are we still on for that threesome with Kate Humble?

Yours with incredible stamina,
Sonicl

Dear sonicl,

Get off my patch or I'll steal your colostomy bag and use it as a sail for your hollowed-out body which will, in fact, become a kayak.

Yours,

Glice.

Dear Glice,

You may be intellectually superior to me and have a large appendage, but I live nearer to Konnie and am an excellent cook, and THAT is what she looks for in a man. You stand no chance with her, and are better off concentrating your efforts on those lasses from Casualty who are always hanging around your manor. Now get lost.

Kind regards,
sonicl

Dear that bird from casualty with the broad south-Bristolian accent,

Hi, wanna make some lovin'?

Cheers,

Glice.

Dear Mr.Cave,

what about............





shaving?

Thanks and best regards
att

Dear sarramkrop,
You as an internet artist, you should change your name back to porkmarras. No one will expect that.
P.S. I think you are a sexy lad.

Sincerely,
Ambiguous.

Dear Russell Crowe (Gladiator era.)

Please come round to my gaff with all yr Gladiator clobber and yr big sword and.............. RIDE ME SIDEWAYS!!

PS, now would be a good time as my Dad is gone out.

Dear Celebrity X,

Why are you such a self important type now?

Do you really think you are fooling everyone?

Most who have good taste in music despise you now! Are you so high up in the clouds that you can't see this?

Come down before it's too late (and I'm afraid that it already is).

While I have your attention, it IS about the music; the show comes second (if at all). Get out of the biz and join a circus if feel so strongly otherwise.

You fake fuck.

Frankly,


The Artist Formerly Known As Spacerock

Dear Sonic Youfs,

Please make sure that Nef gets her prescribed hugs from Lee and Steve at your soonest available convenience.

She's shy, but she's nice and certainly deserves it.

PS: make sure Thurston stays back a few yards, he makes her nervous.

All My Love,

floatingnotveryfastatall

She never got back to me on this. She just taunts me from behind the screen.

Dear Lady GaGa,

Please fuck off!

Yours sincerely,

Liam

Dear ladies of Girls' Generation,

Mind if I inseminate the lot of you? I'm afraid that if you are left up to the prurient interests of male K-pop stars, the whole country might collapse under its own effeminate pedomorphism.

Warm regards,

pbradley

Dear Kelly Macdonald aka Margret Schroeder please ignore the advances of that squid face, small cock, can't keep it up Nuckie Thompson aka Stevie Bucemi and save yourself for me...

your love servant

chicka

Dear Jamie Cullum,

If you're not busy next Tuesday, I'd like to nip round your 'gaff' for 10 minutes of neck-jumping. I will be wearing large boots. If this is inconvenient, please detail another time when I can break your child-like body of hate and insufferance.

Yours,

Glice.

dear the kardashians,

fuck off and die you complete fucking cunts.

thanks

Dear Jared Leto,

Please quit making "music" and go back to being a C-list actor. You made one decent album but you keep getting further and further away from that sound and the music world is worse off for it.

Thank you in advance.

-GeneticKiss