dear pookie,

i seem to have lodged a bottle up my rectum and cant get it out. its been about an hour and no matter how much lube i use there is just no freeing it. what should i do?

geoff ringworm, crawley.

And in English please?


No, you only get really good water retention with the menopause.


He's my long lost brother, last seen some time in the '80's. Rumour has it he now lives in a place called retroland.

Funny, it says the same about you.


I like 'adoxography' and 'lalochezia'.


WOODY ALLEN: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?
GIRL IN MUSEUM: Yes it is.

WOODY ALLEN: What does it say to you?

GIRL IN MUSEUM: It restates the negativeness of the universe, the hideous lonely emptiness of existence, nothingness, the predicament of man forced to live in a barren, godless eternity, like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void, with nothing but waste, horror, and degradation, forming a useless bleak straightjacket in a black absurd cosmos.

WOODY ALLEN: What are you doing Saturday night?

GIRL IN MUSEUM: Committing suicide.

WOODY ALLEN: What about Friday night?


Buy another bottle.

dear pookie:

who's better, billy ocean or rick astley?

paula abdul

dear pookie,

someone tells me they love me but wont give me their address what should i do?

mark park, chorley.

Dear Pookie,
Summer's nearly over and i wont be able to walk around my neighbourhood at my topless best.Do you know of any good place where my boobs can be shown at the right temperature?

Regards

Keely Wow!

My neighborourhood

Dear Pookie

There's a lady who every summer wanders around the neighbourhood topless. Should I massacre her?

Fondest regards,

Seth Cohen, my neighbourhood.

This is an excellent thread. i vote we have a Dear Porkmarras thread next.

Music's not a competition, Paula


Porkland Marras
12 Blueberry Pie Street
London
NW 32


The reptile house at London Zoo, where it's considered de rigeur.


No, send her to the reptile house at London Zoo.

Well I'm going home now, so direct any other queries to porky.

dear pookie,

are all men pigs? all my girlfriends tell me that.

rosemary abercrombie
devon

Pookie has left the building, please post all queries in 'Ask porkmarras' thread.

sorry

dear pookie,

which is the one true faith?

desmond tutu, africa.

now in inglisch:
Dear Pookie, i have a preference for that kind of fellatio (blow job) pictures, where the fellatricis (woman's) nose is held by the guy (who receives the blow job). Is this yet normal?

-- Or did you just want me to translate fellatrix (fellatricis is genitive) with woman?

Gu Noir
Vienna

Dear Pookie,

I have been offered the opportunity to take part in a three in a bed session with any two members of Girls Aloud that I choose. Should I accept, and, if I do, which two should I have along for the ride?

Pop fan,
Exmoor

Dear Pookie,

When will you be releasing your new mix tape, and what can we expect?
I hope you answer quicker than the band. :rolleyes:

I think you should accept the offer of a three in a bed session with Sarah and Nicola, and you should have Kimberley and Nadine along for the ride. (Sorry Cheryl).


Soon. And you can expect good packaging and fast delivery.

Hmmm, 17 minutes. Now, that's what I call quick response.

Dear Pookie,
I have an attitude problem and i feel like slapping random people on the face outside shapping centres on a saturday afternoon.Is there anything that i can do to control myself?

Monnie Blast

Croydon

Sorry to be pedantic and correct your spelling Monnie, but I think that should be slapping centre, in which case, just move inside the slapping centres.

Pookie,

I asked Porkmarras a question and he hasn't answered it. What should I do?

Busted fan,
Lower Buttfuck

dear pookie,

i am really sorry for what i done in the past but they just wont believe me. what advice can you give?

peter sutcliffe, broadmoor.

porkmarras says:
I have now.Can we be a little patient?EH?

I think he's got you on ignore.

Unfortunately, I've started charging and need payment in advance if you want me to answer your query.

Do you accept unfranked used postage stamps as payment?

Just tell them that the problem is that we are commanded to forgive and failure to forgive is a sin. We may treat failure to forgive lightly, but God warns us that it hinders our prayers.

If forgiveness is dependent on feelings, isn’t that unjust, because God cannot condemn us for our feelings. Our feelings flow from our thoughts and actions.

So many people say that they cannot do things because it doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel love for my wife and therefore I will leave her. The Bible says: Think what’s right and do what’s right and the right feelings may follow. Never use feelings as the sole basis for moral decision.
Let me know how you get on.

No, chocolate coins only please.

Dear Pookie,
I work in a call centre and occasionally i feel i like barking into the phone at random people.Do you think this the right career for me?

Regards
Rotonda Johnson
Crowborough

You must spread some compliments for BEST BUMPING POST EVER around before giving it to porkmarras again.

Try the animal sex line. They're desperate for people like you.

Pookie is an oracle of the highest order.

dear spookie:

people in my school tell me i smell of cheese, and whenever i wonder into a mcdonald's they think i'm stealing quarter pounders; can you recommend an effective and merciless preferrably medieval weapon with which i can vanquish my enemies?

rod littlejohn-whitman
bath

Rod,

I think for close-quarter combat, you could do a lot worse than the mace. A mace is a club-like weapon made of wood or steel. Blows from a mace can kill or break the bones of a knight (or school chum) wearing mail armour (or carrying a satchel). The mace was favoured by clerics (and school children)who were not allowed to carry weapons with blades (or sharpened pencils). Odo of Bayeux apparently used a mace during the Battle of Hastings.

dear spookie:

whenever i leave home, i begin to feel the earth sucking me to it's center and burning with the fires of hell with the darkness of a thousand nights. so, should i use red or pink bows around my hair while strolling around the park? you need to look lovely for when you are screaming bloody hell at the top of your lungs.

gwendoline wakeford
hull

Dear Pookie,
I've been trapped in a bus full of twats on my way home.I swear,everyone was so packed like sardines we could only stare at each other like twats.Is this normal?

Yours
Jim 'Jim' John

Whitechapel

Pookie, long time fan, first time asker!!!
What should I do with myself?

This is a mistake that tormented souls often make. Hair bows are sooo last season, it's the Victoria Beckham bob for those about to enter the fiery pits of hell.

It's perfectly normal for twats to stare like twats.

Dear Pookie, I loved you, but now I am not so sure!!!
Why haven't you answered my question yet!!?? (crying)