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If you're going to offer your audience a free buffet, always wait until after you've played to bring it out.
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-wash your hands before you play your instruments.
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-make sure that all the digital downloads your band has to offer are infected with viruses.
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Don't climb your amps until you have your first gold disc. Until then, you'll just look like a wannabe.
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Make sure that the support band playing before yours is good, but not better.
Don't say anything on stage unless it's worth saying and for fucksakes, don't mention the merchandise. Don't allow anyone backstage after the show. You'll probably do something you'll regret later. Ask Cantankerous. |
-Climbing amps should be punished by law.Musicians who smash their instruments on a regular basis would have to attend community service.Play them decently you silly bastards,smashing them is a Guerilla-like statement.
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never mention that tonight's audience is the best you've ever had. nobody believes you.
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Make sure that your roadies are well paid.
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HAHA, the premature amp climbing is too true. Goes with humping your amp, too.
- Don't stare out to the crowd and make tough faces, like you're king shit. I'm picturing someone with a goaty and spiked hair, right now with sweat bands on their arms. - Thats another one, don't wear sweat bands. They're fucking ugly and rarely used for sweat. |
touring tips:
if you're playing in holland, don't start stage banter about smoking marijuana, being stoned, or how much you like the "coffeeshops", etc... a gazillion bands have done that before you and it's no doubt the least original stage banter you could come up with. you'll have to be really funny to get away with it. (i.e. oxes) also, if you're playing in a city different than amsterdam, don't say "hellooooooooo amsterdaaaaaam!"... just don't. even if it's a small country you're in and you're probally less than an hour's drive away from amsterdam, it is STILL STUPID! these mistakes of course can be easily avoided by sticking with savage clone's rule of never talking to the audience. |
Avoid visibly dyed hair,sandals,'punk looks' and unnecessarily spiky hair unless there is a vast amount of talent to pull it off.A sober look can tell much more than a quirky one.
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The ocasional talk between every few songs is ok. Talking between every song, especially for extended amounts of time (NOFX) is not necessary nor appealing.
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Keep any onstage dancing to a very basic minimum, otherwise you will look like you aspire to be a member of a boy band. Or, even worse, like you aspire to be Axl Rose.
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Ahh, not true... well, somewhat true. If you're Dennis Lyxzen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snOz8...e%20conspiracy) or Cedric Bixler, dancing is too sexy and charismatic for words. But yes, if you're not these guys, don't dance. |
-Do make sure that you are a capiltalist pig with talent.Bono Voxes need no apply for the job.
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i agree mostly, but there are some exceptions. shellac for instance usually have some hilarious stage banter. |
-Avoid tour buses.Walk,fly or take the public transport by yourself (or with your patner)to the venue you are playing in.
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-Make sure Nefeli gets more rep because that cracked me up big time.
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Oh yeah... and don't stage dive and crowdsurf. It only makes you look like a toss who wants attention and the cunts will pickpocket your ass for collectables.
Don't talk to the groupies up front and don't give them your drinks.  Fred fucking durst^ |
-Do avoid talking about UFOs in your interviews.For Christ's sake you are not Sun Ra,stick that into your thick head!
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-Be japanese in some way or another.Either that or come from anywhere but the western world(ok ok.This might be pushing it a bit but you get my point).
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 Don't take off your shirt unless your ^ |
Feel free to ignore all previous advice - Julian Cope has spent years doing all the things that have been listed here as "don't do", and he is as cool as hell.
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-Have mercurial carachters in the band and as many pisceans as possible.
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 Don't pull down your pants to show us your ass. Nobody wants to see your klingons. |
There is no excuse for wearing a hat onstage. Even if you are bald and a member of U2.
And if you are playing outside on a bright sunny day, that's still no excuse. If you don't have a pair of sunglasses to wear, you're obviously not cool enough to be in this rock 'n' roll game. |
-Have plants on stage.Tropical plants.
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-And rythmic movement to the sound of your own music should be as minimal as the size of your small balls for thinking of it.
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Even if it's true, don't tell the crowd that they're ignorant twats.
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Art is the key, therefore learn the art of dodging projectiles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgLYM...ch=silverchair
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Avoid free gigs in Trafalgar Square.And i fucking mean this!It's free for a reason and that reason being because it's rubbish.
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Never thank the public for coming to see you and don't ask them for requests.
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-In fact overcharge the audience whenever it's possible(assuming you are sure enough that your music is that good).
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Restrain your mouth from saying that your influences are:
1)Nelson Mandela 2)Jesus 3)Satan 4)John Lennon The erroneous part of saying that is that they are all a bunch of cunts. |
Now now, Porkmarras. Let's not say stuff we can't take back.
- Have your merch and door charge cheap, as there's enough corporate fuckers in the world as it is. And take a page (leaf or note?) out of the Brian Jonestown Massacres book, and NEVER LET THE CORPORATE BEAN COUNTERS ON THE DOOR - ALWAYS MAKE THEM PAY TO SEE YOU. |
Wearing glitter is a no no!!
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-Let a five year old produce your first album.
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Has anyone actually ever did that? Or you were just forewarning?
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