a funny story-- during arthurfest we snuck into the backstage of the auditorium & partook of their food + beverages, clandestinely flaunting whatever rules were in place.

eliza from the magik markers mistook us for journalists i think (she had just finished being interviewed) and started talking to us-- she was so fucking cool.

i gave her my library card, as a little homage & reparation for messing with her guitar. no joke.

(yes, ive told this story already but floatingslowly hadn't heard it).

i stand corrected, i'm editing it to read "it's gig etiquette to not buddy up with the merch guy" talking about concerns with the transaction is one thing, asking him how does it feel to be on tour or about their favorite tv show is another thing.

of course, this does not count when a band member/members are running the merch table, but chances are, they are too busy trying to not get scammed by people luring them to take pictures and sign stuff and keeping tab of what's being sold. in that case, you just pay and tell them they rock/have a good show/the show was awesome or thank them for a piece of music and/or ASK (don't demand) if they can sign you something and/or take a picture with you...if the merch table is slow, you can actually strike conversation with them.

if you're going to a classical music concert & you have fucking bronchitis, take your cough syrup for fucks sakes, or better yet, stay home with your phlegms & convalesce.

don't be the stubborn drunk, consult your friends if you are this guy; if you are indeed him, you either don't drink at gigs or you stay home to get drunk.

likewise, be polite and pass out in the back of the venue...and wear a dogtag with your name and address in case you are friends with bad/stubborn drunks, although you should have informed them about this and would have stayed home with the stereo up.

although it might seem otherwise, this is perfectly acceptable behavior (if you can pull it off without being caught).

another variation would be sneaking into the show itself by climbing a large wall near the dumpster (assuming that the previous rule posted of supporting indie bands is not violated). bonus points are rewarded for perseverance if you are escorted out and return. this rule is especially true if Rod Stewart is playing.

this counts for jazz, folk/acoustic and improv gigs too.

amen

if you are stoned or tripping, don't assume everyone at the show is too.

Switch off your mobile phones too.

and for fuck's sake, don't try to start dancing at improv, drone, ambient, jazz, the like shows. you'll probably end up stepping over people sitting down.

especially don't try to start a mosh pit, no drum beat = no slam dancing.

I know... I guess that beats me...

DON'T EVER GO 'SHHHHH!!!!' no matter how loud people are talking during a show, it's equally or more annoying.

if you have a big jacket or coat, you take it off, especially if the show is crowded.

No children or pets allowed.

No snogging.

Possibly no long hair because you block the view.

No chewing gum.

don't bum-rush the stage so that you can hug your favorite band member.

nobody paid to see YOU.

conversely, if invited on stage: don't spend all of your time waving to your friends and taking close up shots of the drummer with your cell phone. it makes you look like a douche.

you don't shout "take your top off" to serious, non sexualized bands with girls in them.

don't be tall.
if you're gonna be tall, be tall behind those of us who aren't as tall.
don't fucking be tall.
don't start smoking pot in the middle of a crowd because there do exist people who don't indulge.
if you burn someone with your cigarette, take them in the back (after the show, of course) and pleasure them orally.
put your hands down. there's no need for \m/ at a shoegaze show.

Oh, and no breaking wind in the middle of a crowd either.

if you are not witty or funny, you shut the fuck up or keep it at whisper level. it also goes out for tone deaf people who think that singing as loud and swaying to the music while bumping with everyone in the crowd makes him (it's almost always a him) more involved and a better fan of the band's music.

things i do/have observed at concerts:

1) pass gas in large crowds. it's fun and there's no way to be embarassed, cuz even if your date is standing right next to you, blame it on someone else!

2) if i'm attending more than 1 show of a particular tour, i like to shout out the songs in advance if i know what the setlist is like. that's called "hey band XXX stop playing the same songs in the same order every fucking night."

3) if someone is wearing a SWANS t-shirt, they're my new best friend.

4) if i'm filming the show, and i usually am, if you talk to me during the process of recording, i'll spit excessively when i reply to your drunken question about getting a copy.

5) SY seems to attract a rediculous and excessive amount of tall, blond, floppy-haired dudes who always ruin the views of the shorter girls.

6) if you think dancing is cool, it should not involve bashing into others' bodies. if that's you, i've got 20+ years of rage pent up inside me that i like to let loose on you when you come at me at shows. i do not refrain from gouging eyes, kicking groins, applying force to pressure points i've been trained in, and in those few small districts that remain, lighting and flicking a cigarette right at you.

7) anyone with the balls to wear a NIRVANA t-shirt to a MELVINS concert gets props in my book.

8) crowd surfing is stupid. 10-15 people doing it out of a couple 1000 attending the show? yeah... we all want to watch out for your stupid body. if you come near me, i'm going for your wallet and/or hoping to watch you fall and break your neck. unless you're david yow.

9) share your fucking joints or i'm calling the cops

10) don't ask shellac during their Q+A session a) when some other band's album is coming out or b) when the rapeman reunion is.

Whatever you do, don't forget that you're not at a football match or a U2 gig. Just pay for the ticket, enjoy the music and sod off home. One of the best gigs i've attented was one by Woodbine because when they finished playing the guitarist went: ''Well, that's it. You can all fuck off now.''

if you don't like the opening band, don't take it personally. if you do take it personally and get in the opening band's grill, don't say you weren't warned.

ohh, and don't ask your buddies what do you think about them during the first song, or any song for that matter; ask them after the very last encore and when the lights are on.

Please, PLEASE don't piss in the middle of the crowd even if you're drunk.

when you go see nick cave (and grinderman, i guess) don't shout birthday party song names...


...on second thought, that's not a bad idea. shout for 'release the bats' for me if you see him.

Don't stare at Kim Gordon when she's backstage... I kept staring and thinking 'Omfg!!! Thats Kim(!!!)' And she gave me this scared 'wtf?' look.

dont talk too much or stand infront of someone. dont push and dont get on anyones shoulders.

when going to a noise show or you're seeing a band that it's the very least noisy, don't stick your fingers to your ears. it's called noise for a reason, if you can't take it, leave.

unless you are at an oi! show, don't sing football chants, ever.

while not being particularly ok, air guitar can be executed as long as you don't air whirlwind strum your axe or air break your guitar or air leap or anything that can hit and or get in people's faces. ask yourself "would i do a move pete townsend would do even though i'm not pete townsend or am playing a guitar for real and am onstage with plenty of room to move around?" come on, answer that!

don't try to tell eveyone within listening distance that you've been a fan "since the beginning" if you don't know FOR SURE that [album_x] really was the first album.

example: "oh yeah, I've been a fan of the Cure since the beginning. I even have Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me."

this type of behavior is also unacceptable outside of concert venues.

1st rule - there are no rules.

please also note: earplugs are for sissies.

if the band you're seeing wears make up and/or masks, you should not wear make up and/or masks to their shows; if you feel like doing it, get your own band together and get your own show.

fuck this.

1st rule: these are RULES, not suggestions, not guidelines; these are rules and are expected to be followed, if you don't, you are subjected to get some sort of payback from the crowd and/or band.

unlike the rules of society and the like, these are actual statements for the well common of a large group of individuals and to ensure the enjoyment of a concert performance, not to repress or enforce authority.

hope you're being sarcastic cuz that's a retarded thing to say. I'd assert the reverse, only sissies are scared to wear earplugs.

why shouldnt people put their fingers in their ears?

security guards are dicks, that's their job, you're not going to be cool about it and they will not be friendly to you, deal with it. if a security guard ends up being cool, you just found something golden there; if you are obnoxious, expect the security goons to tell you to cut it out, if you try to bum rush the stage, expect the security goons to toss you out, if you choose to stage dive and/or crowd surf, expect the security goons to throw you back to the crowd.

however, if a security guard decides to throw people out for no reason and use excesive force towards the crowd and/or the band, feel encouraged to fight back.

NOTE: be sure the majority of the crowd and/or the band are aware of this and decide to fight back.

totally fucking serious. if you can't take a loud show, stay home and listen to your iPod.

I have (and will) make fun of my friends that use them.

my high-frequency hearing loss is worth every "what'd you say dude?".

and in case you haven't noticed, I excel at saying "retarded things". :)

that's what happens when wear an alien mind-control device.

because it's a noise show, you should expect it to be loud and with grating frequencies; if you can't stand that music you either a) don't go to these kinds of shows, b) wear earplugs or c) get out. it's annoying to see some snob thinking he's too cool for being at a show and then realizing he can't take it.

at the very least, stand in the back, there's nothing more irritating that some guy up front with his fingers on his ears, it's insulting to the band and the audience.